Just Can’t Stay Away From The Computer


Well I’m in France at last after a horribly long car journey. My mum’s boyfriend’s new house is a lot nicer than they had me believe, I’m glad that I’m only staying a few days though because it is old and seems like the kind of place that might have spiders in (my biggest phobia) 😮 I got a bit anxious in the supermarket today, I was trying not to talk too loudly in case someone overheard and looked at me because I wasn’t speaking French. I don’t know why that would bother me so much but it does. Unfortunately I’ve been thinking about bad things again, I got an enrolment information pack from my university which really brought home the fact that it’ll be happening soon. Like I discussed with my therapist, I was hurt by the fact that my mum seemed not to believe in my ability to do it and it made me doubt myself even more. I hope it’s not going to be too much to take on, but I really cannot stand another year of fruitless job searching and achieving nothing. All or nothing thinking is bad and is a hallmark of depressive and anxious thinking patterns, but I can’t help but feel this way about going to university. My life will be pretty much worthless without it but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the social pressures, not to mention the work itself. I didn’t really put *that* much thought into how hard the work is going to be until recently. I haven’t been in education for a couple of years now so I’m kind of out of the habit. Strangely though, I am kind of looking forward to having actual projects to work on that I know will benefit me in the long run. I am determined to not miss seminars or whatever classes I have because of anxiety and get the reputation as a bad student as happened at 6th form and college.

Anyway that’s enough rambling for now! I will try and post this if I can find some wifi access, if not I’ll stick it up when I get back.


3 thoughts on “Just Can’t Stay Away From The Computer

  1. Ell

    I don’t know if this blog was only intended for people you know better to be reading it, so I’m sorry if I’m freaking you out by posting on here. Anyway, hello. I’m a high school student living in New York, I’m not sure if I have SA, though what you have described in your previous blog posts seems to describe me pretty much exactly. I’ve sort been mulling over for the past hour whether or not to publish this comment, since I sound like a babbling psycho, but if you’re reading it then I guess I decided yes.

    This has been a very bad summer for me, I’ve become depressed and begun to really loath myself. Of course, I haven’t really told anyone about it yet, so I haven’t really had anyone to I guess share with. However, reading a blog post like this and seeing there are actual living breathing people with social problems like mine seems to be giving me a certain comfort and is making me feel a bit better.

    I am glad that your life is sort of getting back on track and you’re going to college, and remember that there are going to be plenty of people there just like you with anxiety problems so never think you’re alone. I think that if you keep writing these entries you’ll attract more people like me, and just hearing from us might help with your problems like it helped with mine a bit.


  2. Hi, no need to worry about that, anyone can read or comment here. Thank you for the post, I think I know what you are going through. I didn’t know what SA was until 2006 and didn’t manage to talk to anyone about what problems I have until late last year so I realise what a lonely situation it is. Sorry to hear you have become depressed, it really sucks. There is a lot of useful information on the links at the right side of the page if you want to know more about SA, it is more common than you might think. Hope you feel a little better soon, thanks for reading 🙂


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