Well I’m in France at last after a horribly long car journey. My mum’s boyfriend’s new house is a lot nicer than they had me believe, I’m glad that I’m only staying a few days though because it is old and seems like the kind of place that might have spiders in (my biggest phobia) 😮 I got a bit anxious in the supermarket today, I was trying not to talk too loudly in case someone overheard and looked at me because I wasn’t speaking French. I don’t know why that would bother me so much but it does. Unfortunately I’ve been thinking about bad things again, I got an enrolment information pack from my university which really brought home the fact that it’ll be happening soon. Like I discussed with my therapist, I was hurt by the fact that my mum seemed not to believe in my ability to do it and it made me doubt myself even more. I hope it’s not going to be too much to take on, but I really cannot stand another year of fruitless job searching and achieving nothing. All or nothing thinking is bad and is a hallmark of depressive and anxious thinking patterns, but I can’t help but feel this way about going to university. My life will be pretty much worthless without it but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the social pressures, not to mention the work itself. I didn’t really put *that* much thought into how hard the work is going to be until recently. I haven’t been in education for a couple of years now so I’m kind of out of the habit. Strangely though, I am kind of looking forward to having actual projects to work on that I know will benefit me in the long run. I am determined to not miss seminars or whatever classes I have because of anxiety and get the reputation as a bad student as happened at 6th form and college.
Anyway that’s enough rambling for now! I will try and post this if I can find some wifi access, if not I’ll stick it up when I get back.
The Social Phobic 