Going out

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My mental health practitioner is always on at me to go out more, even if it’s just for a walk but a lot of the time I find it difficult to motivate myself to get out of bed. I often do feel better if I can drag myself outside for a while, though it’s not much fun to go everywhere by yourself, which I usually end up doing since I have no friends. 

I got a rare opportunity to spend the day with my sister today, she’s usually very busy with work or at her boyfriend’s house, I miss her a lot – we used to spend a lot of time together and unlike a lot of siblings, we get on really well. We went to the seaside on the train, I haven’t been to a beach since 2004 so was happy to be by the sea again. It was a lovely day but I couldn’t help feeling very guilty about what my thoughts and plans must have done to her. I get the feeling she’s worried about me, I wish she’d never found out that I was suicidal, I didn’t think it was fair to let her know but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Anyway, I was feeling extra guilty and rather sad that it might be the last time we get to spend a day together doing something fun 😦 I still don’t know what I’m going to do in the next few weeks, I’d say it’s not likely that I’ll be here by the time my uni course starts.

I don’t really know what else to write, I’m feeling kind of empty inside at the moment.

I Like To Be Here When I Can

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Home again. I had a nice trip, not much to talk about really but I did manage to buy some postcards from a shop and pay the cashier myself! That’s good for me because I struggle to do that in England, let alone a place where I don’t speak the language (well I have a B in GCSE French :p).

Anyway, here are a couple of pictures I took while I was there:

 

Just Can’t Stay Away From The Computer

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Well I’m in France at last after a horribly long car journey. My mum’s boyfriend’s new house is a lot nicer than they had me believe, I’m glad that I’m only staying a few days though because it is old and seems like the kind of place that might have spiders in (my biggest phobia) 😮 I got a bit anxious in the supermarket today, I was trying not to talk too loudly in case someone overheard and looked at me because I wasn’t speaking French. I don’t know why that would bother me so much but it does. Unfortunately I’ve been thinking about bad things again, I got an enrolment information pack from my university which really brought home the fact that it’ll be happening soon. Like I discussed with my therapist, I was hurt by the fact that my mum seemed not to believe in my ability to do it and it made me doubt myself even more. I hope it’s not going to be too much to take on, but I really cannot stand another year of fruitless job searching and achieving nothing. All or nothing thinking is bad and is a hallmark of depressive and anxious thinking patterns, but I can’t help but feel this way about going to university. My life will be pretty much worthless without it but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the social pressures, not to mention the work itself. I didn’t really put *that* much thought into how hard the work is going to be until recently. I haven’t been in education for a couple of years now so I’m kind of out of the habit. Strangely though, I am kind of looking forward to having actual projects to work on that I know will benefit me in the long run. I am determined to not miss seminars or whatever classes I have because of anxiety and get the reputation as a bad student as happened at 6th form and college.

Anyway that’s enough rambling for now! I will try and post this if I can find some wifi access, if not I’ll stick it up when I get back.

Just Can't Stay Away From The Computer

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Well I’m in France at last after a horribly long car journey. My mum’s boyfriend’s new house is a lot nicer than they had me believe, I’m glad that I’m only staying a few days though because it is old and seems like the kind of place that might have spiders in (my biggest phobia) 😮 I got a bit anxious in the supermarket today, I was trying not to talk too loudly in case someone overheard and looked at me because I wasn’t speaking French. I don’t know why that would bother me so much but it does. Unfortunately I’ve been thinking about bad things again, I got an enrolment information pack from my university which really brought home the fact that it’ll be happening soon. Like I discussed with my therapist, I was hurt by the fact that my mum seemed not to believe in my ability to do it and it made me doubt myself even more. I hope it’s not going to be too much to take on, but I really cannot stand another year of fruitless job searching and achieving nothing. All or nothing thinking is bad and is a hallmark of depressive and anxious thinking patterns, but I can’t help but feel this way about going to university. My life will be pretty much worthless without it but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle the social pressures, not to mention the work itself. I didn’t really put *that* much thought into how hard the work is going to be until recently. I haven’t been in education for a couple of years now so I’m kind of out of the habit. Strangely though, I am kind of looking forward to having actual projects to work on that I know will benefit me in the long run. I am determined to not miss seminars or whatever classes I have because of anxiety and get the reputation as a bad student as happened at 6th form and college.

Anyway that’s enough rambling for now! I will try and post this if I can find some wifi access, if not I’ll stick it up when I get back.