Hanging On

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Trying to stay in positive (or at least not suicidal) mood. Today went ok, just had a workshop and a lecture to attend at either end of the day so I kept fairly busy. I managed to say hello to a couple of people here which is good, I suppose. Had a nice surprise in the form of a letter from the head of the computing department here at uni congratulating on my grades so far this year. Above almost everything else, I’ve tried not to let my mood (swinging from medium to terrifyingly low) affect my course, I spent so long unemployed and wishing I had projects to do and I really don’t want to lose out on this second chance that I’ve been afforded. Somehow I’ve managed to attend almost every lecture and workshop, aside from one week when I couldn’t get out of bed and I missed a couple. Certainly an improvement from sixth form and college where I’d frequently give in to the anxiety. It helps massively that I am only a short walk away instead of 30 minutes bus ride of course, and that being ignored is favourable to being made fun of all the time.

I’m still kicking about the idea of volunteering somewhere in an attempt to perhaps meet a few new people and practice talking more often. I know it’s no guarantee of those things but anything is better than whiling away the time doing nothing. Going to have a look into what is available in the area tomorrow.

Unfortunately my photograph-a-day plan has been disrupted but I did take one today:

 

You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Sadly it’s only an Ibuprofen rather than an escape from this reality. I realised today that my flatmates were only 9 when The Matrix came out… Damn that makes me feel old.

Trying to feel better

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I got to spend time with my sister today, I feel better having someone around to talk to and we got out of the house for a bit. It’s easier to keep my mind off troubling things when I have someone to talk to, it’s just hard because there are so few people I can talk to comfortably. The bad feelings have faded for a while, I hope for longer than they did last time. I’m trying to think of constructive things to do and Penny’s post about volunteering has inspired me to look into it again. I was considering volunteering somewhere before I went to university but if you read my blog back then, you might remember I went through a similar crisis around that time so couldn’t really arrange anything. I’m going to make myself read through a chapter of the social anxiety book again and try to ignore the defeatist thoughts I often have about it when I get back to uni tonight.

Thank you to everyone who sent me kind messages when I was feeling so low, it may not seem like much but it really does help to know someone is out there reading and cares enough to write.