Going out

My mental health practitioner is always on at me to go out more, even if it’s just for a walk but a lot of the time I find it difficult to motivate myself to get out of bed. I often do feel better if I can drag myself outside for a while, though it’s not much fun to go everywhere by yourself, which I usually end up doing since I have no friends. 

I got a rare opportunity to spend the day with my sister today, she’s usually very busy with work or at her boyfriend’s house, I miss her a lot – we used to spend a lot of time together and unlike a lot of siblings, we get on really well. We went to the seaside on the train, I haven’t been to a beach since 2004 so was happy to be by the sea again. It was a lovely day but I couldn’t help feeling very guilty about what my thoughts and plans must have done to her. I get the feeling she’s worried about me, I wish she’d never found out that I was suicidal, I didn’t think it was fair to let her know but I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Anyway, I was feeling extra guilty and rather sad that it might be the last time we get to spend a day together doing something fun 😦 I still don’t know what I’m going to do in the next few weeks, I’d say it’s not likely that I’ll be here by the time my uni course starts.

I don’t really know what else to write, I’m feeling kind of empty inside at the moment.

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Plans

I got the appointment over and done with this afternoon, not much came of it really. I told her about how bad I’ve been feeling and some more about the crappy experiences I had at work, which she seemed quite upset about. On a personal level I think it makes her sad to hear what I have to say, especially about the way people have made me feel about myself. I don’t really like it when she looks at me all concerned. Anyway, I have another appointment with her next week to try and challenge these negative thoughts that I wrote down. I don’t fancy doing that much because I just cannot believe the alternatives to the things I wrote, I feel as though I’d just be burying my head in the sand.

When I got back today, my mum told me that she is going to France for a couple of days with her boyfriend to look at this house of his, they were meant to be going for a week earlier in the month but she changed her mind because she didn’t want to leave me alone She asked me if I wanted to go, and although I am scared about going somewhere where I cannot easily get home if I wanted to, I’ve never been out of this country before so that would be nice. There isn’t long for me to decide if I want to go or not, hmm what to do…

Plans

I got the appointment over and done with this afternoon, not much came of it really. I told her about how bad I’ve been feeling and some more about the crappy experiences I had at work, which she seemed quite upset about. On a personal level I think it makes her sad to hear what I have to say, especially about the way people have made me feel about myself. I don’t really like it when she looks at me all concerned. Anyway, I have another appointment with her next week to try and challenge these negative thoughts that I wrote down. I don’t fancy doing that much because I just cannot believe the alternatives to the things I wrote, I feel as though I’d just be burying my head in the sand.

When I got back today, my mum told me that she is going to France for a couple of days with her boyfriend to look at this house of his, they were meant to be going for a week earlier in the month but she changed her mind because she didn’t want to leave me alone She asked me if I wanted to go, and although I am scared about going somewhere where I cannot easily get home if I wanted to, I’ve never been out of this country before so that would be nice. There isn’t long for me to decide if I want to go or not, hmm what to do…