Numb

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I have been awake since midday on Wednesday, the last few weeks attempt at sleep have generally me lying there tossing and turning until the wee hours before giving up and downing a zopiclone, which are become ever less effective as tolerance builds (that’s my own fault for taking them longer than Dr recommended). Wednesday night I decided to try and reset my body clock and just stay up until I felt ready to sleep, and I’m only just feeling drowsy now. I don’t know if the increased (30mg) paroxetine/seroxat has anything to do with it. My GP doesn’t think so but all I know is that it hasn’t helped whatsoever with depression/anxiety and the embarrassing side effects are there.

I can’t help but feel I am just treading water, running out the clock before I finally get the motivation to write an adequate explanation for killing myself and getting it over with. I can’t see what I have to live for any more, life’s passed me by and no matter how hard I try to play at being a real person, I just can’t do it. I don’t belong, I don’t fit anywhere.

The student loan company has decided not to lend me any tuition fees again next year, my mum’s boyfriend lent me vast amounts for the first year and he’s giving me some towards this years but I have to make up more of it myself and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. How can I go to a job interview and sell myself when inside I am wondering how I am going to be able to find a place where I can be undisturbed for 36 hours while I die. I can’t bring myself to make plans for the future because I half know that I won’t be here and it seems futile. I’ve exhausted all options from the mental health services besides being locked up, and I can’t see how that will help me at all. Maybe I am a danger to myself, but what if I always will be? I strongly believe suicide can be rational and I don’t see many counter arguments to say why I deserve or should want to stick around in this world for much longer.

I’m off to try and sleep now.

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Agitated

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I’ve been stuck inside all day, most of it spent in this chair where I’m sat now. My sleep pattern is all over the place, I woke up at 7 this morning and fell asleep again at 9, not getting up until 1pm. Consequently I am not tired at all, I feel like running through the icy streets until I’m out of breath and my muscles ache. I’m becoming tired of my life here, tired of being alone, tired of having nowhere to go and nothing to do. At least at uni there is the opportunity to do something worthwhile, even if I rarely take it.

I know my last ramble sounded a lot more positive, but it should have been posted on Thursday while I was still high on my brief taste of normality. I feel awkward and conflicted now. I managed to avoid panicking and no-one laughed at me, but I wasn’t one of them. I get special treatment, in a way it’s good because I’m not held to the same standards as them but I’m not a real person either. I’m probably making no sense at all, it’s difficult to explain. *sigh*

I want to get on a train to that place I thought about and throw myself off a cliff. I’m sick of being numb, maybe I’d feel alive for a few seconds at least.