How I got on

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The appointment was surprisingly short, I spent most of the time there sitting around in a tiny waiting room trying to avoid catching peoples eye. The first doctor I saw was a junior psychiatrist, she asked me the usual questions that I’ve been asked many times before about my anxiety symptoms etc. I asked about diazepam but nothing came of it unfortunately. After talking about my suicidal feelings, she decided to discuss with the consultant and then asked me to come and talk to him. He was very intimidating, I felt like I was being interrogated. This just made me anxiety worse, I stumbled over words and my mind went blank several times but I think I managed to get my point across. There was a particularly painful moment when he asked if I had any close friends or girlfriend, to which I answered truthfully; no, and then he asked “Why not?”. My mind was overcome with all the hatred I have for myself and if I wasn’t so tongue tied with anxiety, I could probably have spent half an hour listing the many reasons why not. Eventually though I had to settle with “probably because I am so weird” which led to further questioning about why I think that, and of course why I think that I look weird which I couldn’t answer because I felt tears coming to my eyes. Thankfully he stopped the interrogation at that point and asked me to wait outside while he talked to the original doctor.

I went back to see her and apparently they are concerned about me, maybe it was the way I answered their questions because I was not feeling actively suicidal like I was the last time I saw my MHP who just sent me on my merry way. The outcome of it all is that I have got to have someone from the crisis team visit me at home today, which I didn’t really want but I couldn’t bring myself to argue with them about that. They also changed my medication to venlafaxine, an SNRI so hopefully that might make a slight difference though I am not expecting miracles.

I had hoped that I could relax slightly after the appointment was done but now I have to worry about this person coming round. Of course I had to tell my mum, but I didn’t say why they were coming exactly because I don’t want her to know how close I was to killing myself. She’s now gone on a mad cleaning spree that usually happens whenever we are expecting visitors. I just hope that she will give me some privacy because I don’t want her listening to me talk about such personal and potential hurtful things.

Psychiatrist Appointment Tomorrow

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It’s here at last, I seem to have been waiting an eternity to see an actual psychiatrist. My appointment is tomorrow morning and the nerves had already set in a few days ago. I didn’t get more than 3 hours sleep last night, I was lying awake worrying until 4:30am, hopefully tonight will be a little better. That is actually something I want to talk to them about, my incredibly haphazard sleeping. One night I might only get a few hours, like yesterday, and sometimes I sleep in until 1 in the afternoon and can hardly stay awake during the day.

One thing I’m really hoping to get out of tomorrow is the opportunity to try some different meds. I’m coming up to one of the most stressful and difficult times in my life for a long time, leaving home and going to university. This seems like a valid situation where prescribing me some benzos would be useful. I don’t want to fall to pieces the first day I get there, I won’t have anyone to hold my hand and therapy is still a distant dream so it’d be nice to have some help. When I had the diazepam after my visit to A&E, it helped a lot to calm my shaking and racing heart/thoughts. I could really do with even a tiny supply of them to help get me through the most stressful few days.

I was always scared to ask about them before since I’d heard that they are almost impossible to get prescribed for social anxiety, but after seeing the psychiatrist at the hospital who recommended I could use them in the above scenario, I think I might grasp this chance and ask. One of my great fears is that they will think I am a drug seeker, when nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t smoke, take any illegal drugs or even drink for goodness sake, but it’s still a thought lingering in the back of my mind.

Goodness knows what will come of the appointment, I’m preparing myself for disappointment but also bearing in mind that it has taken months and months to get this arranged and I don’t want to miss my chance at possibly getting some help. I’m prepared to be honest with them and try my hardest to force the words out of my throat even though I know my body will make that as hard as possible.

I’ll report back after it’s all over.

Psychiatrist

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Last week I finally got a letter from the psychiatrists telling my when my appointment would be; the 26th of September. That meant I would have to get the train back here for 9:30am on the Friday of my first week at university. Luckily I managed to get my mum to phone up and they could fit me in earlier on the 6th so I will be able to go before I leave for uni and before I have my last appointment with the mental health practitioner. I’m not entirely sure what will come of it, but I am hoping that possibly changing my medication might give me some relief from the crushing lows I’ve had recently and hopefully they’ll agree with the psych I saw at the hospital and give me some diazepam to use as needed. I could really do with some for when I start uni.

We had some bad news this evening, my mum’s boyfriend, K, phoned and told her that his daughters boyfriend, whom she met in Africa, has committed suicide by shooting himself. I felt terribly uneasy when she was talking about it, I’m not entirely sure that she realised how very close I was to ending my own life last Saturday, if she hadn’t returned home then there was a very high chance that I would have done it. For some reason she seemed much more upset about this person who she has never met than she did about me. I’m a horrible person for thinking this, but I can’t help feel a bit concerned about that. I have no idea about the circumstances surrounding his death, I’ve never meet him or K’s daughter, but I felt a bit hurt after my mum was going on about how tragic it was when she seemed to be ok after a quick 10 minute chat with me.

Down again

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My mood came spiralling down again this evening, I knew the relief wouldn’t last forever. I had to answer a question yesterday; why did I feel like killing myself. It is virtually impossible for me to answer out loud but I want to try and write down exactly what is wrong and why I am feeling terribly depressed again (though not actively suicidal, don’t worry).

I am extremely lonely. Because of my horrible appearance and incredibly dull personality, I have no friends at all. I’m too socially anxious to try and make any, no-one would want to know me regardless because I don’t like doing anything that normal people consider to be fun. I also have no life experience or any idea how to act around people because I haven’t had a friend since I was 10 years old and have hardly ever left the house in that time either (I’m 23 now).

For the last 18 months I have been rejected over and over again from every single job that I applied for. I wasn’t setting my targets too high, even minimum wage jobs that had no qualification requirements decided that I was not good enough for them. This is probably understandable since I look like I am mentally disabled and am extremely ugly which makes a terrible first impression at interviews, I then go on to make things even worse since I literally shake with fear and can hardly talk properly because I’m so anxious. My ever increasing gap in work history also counts against me.

As I said previously, I am hideously ugly. I was bullied constantly throughout the time I was at secondary school and sixth form (age 11-18 for those not familiar) directly to my face. This was mostly about my appearance, though being clever and quiet also attracted a lot of negative attention as well. At college it took place behind my back which was a welcome relief, but at work it became just as bad as school, except I couldn’t run away from it. I’d dread going into the office every day as the comments would start the second I came in the door.

All the fun and games that come with SA like not being able to make phone calls without psyching myself up for ages before hand and then making a mess of it, and not being able to hold a conversation for more than 10 seconds also make me feel worthless. I can’t be bothered to describe all the ways SA affects me again, suffice to say that it has made my life a misery so far.

I’ve never known what it is like to be found attractive at all. No girl has ever expresses any interest in me, not surprising in the slightest but it still gets me down a lot. 23 years is a long time to have been single and several times a day I am made to feel pathetic and utterly worthless by something people say or something I hear on TV. Maybe this is sounding like an angsty teens livejournal, but I had hoped that by the time I was almost in my mid twenties I’d have had my first kiss.

Everyone that bullied me (mostly those who were supposed to be my friends) is now much more successful than me. I shouldn’t punish myself by looking them up on facebook, it’s hard to see them all with degrees, in relationships and with good jobs while I’m still the same old pathetic, shy loser living with his mum in the same house as when they used to make fun of me all those years ago. I doubt most of them would remember me very often but I can’t help thinking about the mental scars they caused every single day. I used to think that one day I’d be able to look down on them for a change because I’d have turned my potential into a good degree and job, but no I am just an unemployed loser.

Oh well that’s enough for now. Pity I could tell all that to the psychiatrist when she asked what was depressing me.

Hospital Visit

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I’m sorry for worrying people with my blog entries last night, I really did feel awful. Today I managed to go down to the hospital and get myself some help. I was feeling horribly low, and also very anxious but I got help from the lovely Emma and after waiting for 20 minutes trying to summon up the courage, I went in. After a long wait I ended up talking to a psychiatrist for about an hour, which was a great help and I felt a lot better after letting some of the feelings out. She was much more helpful that my mental health practitioner, I probably covered more in the hour than over 5 months of MHP appointments. We covered some relaxation techniques and talked through a lot of stuff about uni and I felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders. They gave me a Valium as well so it maybe that speaking, but at the moment I feel a whole let better than last night.

I want to say thank you for the comments and kind thoughts, I often feel like no-one cares about me but it was nice to hear them.