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I have been awake since midday on Wednesday, the last few weeks attempt at sleep have generally me lying there tossing and turning until the wee hours before giving up and downing a zopiclone, which are become ever less effective as tolerance builds (that’s my own fault for taking them longer than Dr recommended). Wednesday night I decided to try and reset my body clock and just stay up until I felt ready to sleep, and I’m only just feeling drowsy now. I don’t know if the increased (30mg) paroxetine/seroxat has anything to do with it. My GP doesn’t think so but all I know is that it hasn’t helped whatsoever with depression/anxiety and the embarrassing side effects are there.

I can’t help but feel I am just treading water, running out the clock before I finally get the motivation to write an adequate explanation for killing myself and getting it over with. I can’t see what I have to live for any more, life’s passed me by and no matter how hard I try to play at being a real person, I just can’t do it. I don’t belong, I don’t fit anywhere.

The student loan company has decided not to lend me any tuition fees again next year, my mum’s boyfriend lent me vast amounts for the first year and he’s giving me some towards this years but I have to make up more of it myself and I don’t know how I’m going to do it. How can I go to a job interview and sell myself when inside I am wondering how I am going to be able to find a place where I can be undisturbed for 36 hours while I die. I can’t bring myself to make plans for the future because I half know that I won’t be here and it seems futile. I’ve exhausted all options from the mental health services besides being locked up, and I can’t see how that will help me at all. Maybe I am a danger to myself, but what if I always will be? I strongly believe suicide can be rational and I don’t see many counter arguments to say why I deserve or should want to stick around in this world for much longer.

I’m off to try and sleep now.

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Psychiatrist Visit #49230

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This one went ok, answered the usual questions yet again, haven’t had any particularly strong or vivid suicidal feelings this week so there was no time wasted with that. We agreed that I would switch to 75mg venlafaxine starting this weekend while I am off uni for Easter. Then next Saturday I will stop altogether and spend a few days med-free before starting on this particular guys shot at fixing me up (or least stopping me complaining): paroxeteine AKA Seroxat, Paxil.

Which will it be?

Which will it be?

Apparently it is effective for treating SA and depression, which sounds good in theory. I have heard horror stories about it’s withdrawals and increasing suicidal ideation (ha!) but I guess it’s worth a try. That image took way longer to make than it was worth, by the way. 

Only one more day to go until I go home for 2 weeks for Easter. I have mixed feelings about it. It’s strange to think there is a part of me that would rather stay here than go home for the whole time. Back in September I never would have thought that would be the case. I’ve come to appreciate my little bit of independence and especially privacy here, not to mention the city centre is within walking distance and doesn’t require a 30 minute bus journey among chavs and criminals. 

I’m in a fairly good mood today, managed to make dinner twice this week and have talked to my flatmates a bit. I also went to the post office twice to send some items I sold on eBay which required me to converse with the people at the counter so I think it’s been a reasonably successful week.