The Night Before

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Tonight is the last night that I will sleep in my bed, in this house where I have been since 1991. I have no idea how long I’ll last at university, maybe only a matter of days, but tomorrow I will be there. Obviously I am nervous, most people in this situation would be, let alone those with anxiety but I’m not in full on panic mode. Hopefully this will last long enough for me to get some sleep, though I’m not counting on it.

My first anxious thought about things is to do with the amount of stuff I’m taking. It seems like I have an awful lot of boxes and bags, although I have only got the essential stuff (we need to take all of our own kitchen stuff like pots, pans, plates, cutlery etc) and clothes, a few books and my laptop. I don’t want people to laugh at me for bringing huge amounts or to make fun of the stuff I have 😦 

I have more to write but I can’t concentrate very well at the moment. I may write more later on.

Psychiatrist Appointment Tomorrow

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It’s here at last, I seem to have been waiting an eternity to see an actual psychiatrist. My appointment is tomorrow morning and the nerves had already set in a few days ago. I didn’t get more than 3 hours sleep last night, I was lying awake worrying until 4:30am, hopefully tonight will be a little better. That is actually something I want to talk to them about, my incredibly haphazard sleeping. One night I might only get a few hours, like yesterday, and sometimes I sleep in until 1 in the afternoon and can hardly stay awake during the day.

One thing I’m really hoping to get out of tomorrow is the opportunity to try some different meds. I’m coming up to one of the most stressful and difficult times in my life for a long time, leaving home and going to university. This seems like a valid situation where prescribing me some benzos would be useful. I don’t want to fall to pieces the first day I get there, I won’t have anyone to hold my hand and therapy is still a distant dream so it’d be nice to have some help. When I had the diazepam after my visit to A&E, it helped a lot to calm my shaking and racing heart/thoughts. I could really do with even a tiny supply of them to help get me through the most stressful few days.

I was always scared to ask about them before since I’d heard that they are almost impossible to get prescribed for social anxiety, but after seeing the psychiatrist at the hospital who recommended I could use them in the above scenario, I think I might grasp this chance and ask. One of my great fears is that they will think I am a drug seeker, when nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t smoke, take any illegal drugs or even drink for goodness sake, but it’s still a thought lingering in the back of my mind.

Goodness knows what will come of the appointment, I’m preparing myself for disappointment but also bearing in mind that it has taken months and months to get this arranged and I don’t want to miss my chance at possibly getting some help. I’m prepared to be honest with them and try my hardest to force the words out of my throat even though I know my body will make that as hard as possible.

I’ll report back after it’s all over.