Feeling Inferior

I recently found out what apartment I’ll be staying in at university and through facebook, one of the people I’ll be sharing a kitchen with. Already I have started feeling hugely inferior and worthless. Just a quick glance at her page, full of pictures of her with friends on nights out, was enough to start me off feeling worthless. I can’t help but think what a huge let down it must be to discover that I am your new room mate. Even on my profile page I sound tremendously boring, I only have one photo of myself with another person. My interests are dull, I only have pity friends. It’s strange, the thing that makes me feel worst of all is how disappointing I will be to the other people I live with. I feel sorry for them for getting stuck with the freakish looking loner.

It’s only 2 weeks now until I move in there, I don’t know if I can do it. I tried to make myself forget about the bad things, but I just can’t put out of my mind how much of a huge step this is going to be. I haven’t even put much thought into how hard the work itself is going to be. I’ll have some time in the house on my own over the next couple of weeks since my mum will be back at work; I don’t know whether there will be anything to stop me this time if I decide to take the other way out.

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Distractions

I’ve managed to distract myself from the bad thoughts for a while over the past few days by working on the website that I said I’d do for my mum’s boyfriend. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a while, I used to be really into computers and spend hours reading things and messing about with technology but since I became severely depressed I haven’t really cared about anything. In one way, I hope that my university course (if I get there) will help me to focus and regain my interest, that’s what I intend to do for a living after all. I still have the lingering doubts though. I’ve tried looking up some people on facebook who are starting at the same time as me to attempt to make some contacts before I go, but everything I read from them just makes me feel hopelessly inadequate and worthless. No-one will ever want to be friends with me, I don’t want to get “fukkin recked” or drink for 24 hours which is what everyone else will be doing.

I just don’t belong with anyone, every group and society is based around getting drunk, even more so than the intended purpose from what I’ve heard and seen so far. There doesn’t seem to be much point in even trying to talk to people, I just can’t relate to anyone. I can’t change so drastically enough to be considered normal, or at least acceptably weird.

Is life worth living if you’re always going to be alone, despised, or at best ignored? I’m getting pretty tired of it really, 23 years is a long time. It’s hard enough to know that I’m far too hideous and boring to ever be loved, but I don’t know if a lifetime of friendlessness will be worth bearing.

Reality Sinking In

I got my university accommodation contract to sign this weekend and I have to phone up and pay my deposit tomorrow. This has brought home the reality of the situation to me, I will be leaving the house that I’ve lived in since 1991 and I thought I would probably waste away in. I am so scared about being on my own. I have not lived away from home before and I am starting to doubt how well I am going to cope. I really want to do this and get my degree, I don’t think I’d want to live if I drop out again, I’ll never have a third chance. 

An internet friend of mine told me that there will be other people there who aren’t into the whole partying and drunkenness thing like me, but I find it incredibly hard to believe. I can just envisage myself being an outcast because I don’t like that sort of thing, not to mention all my other shortcomings and weirdness. It seems like that is one of the main reasons people look forward to going to university for, and I am so worried about appearing stuck up or holier than thou for not wanting to be involved with that. I don’t look down on people or think I’m better than them (quite the opposite in fact) but from what I’ve read on the internet, non-drinkers are almost universally reviled.

Moving Out

Although I’m 23 years old I’ve never lived away from my parents before so moving out to live in halls at university is going to be a big step for me. I’m confident that I’ll be able to manage the basics of living but what makes me most nervous is having to live alongside other people who I don’t know.

Even a few months ago I would have been terrified at the prospect but talking through things with my friend SM has given me a lot more confidence. She has SA too and moved very far across the country to go to university and has managed alright. In fact I’d go so far as to say I’d never have seriously considered going back to uni if it wasn’t for her. When she told me about how much she wanted to do the career she has chosen, it reminded me of how passionate I was about computing before the depression and long period of unemployment drained my enthusiasm. I want so much to make something of my life and fulfil the potential I showed as a child and teenager.

I’m looking forward to the opportunity to be around other people my age (or younger as they will mostly be 18 I guess) . It’s been a long time and I’ve hit a wall trying to overcome SA because I don’t have the chance to socialise much even if I could any more since I don’t have any friends nearby and I don’t know how to meet people, but starting university is a time when people are more open to forming new friendships so I’ll feel more comfortable about approaching people.