I’ve started my lectures properly now which is good because it means less time sitting around with nothing to do. I didn’t really put that much thought into the course itself compared to the social side of things when I was considering whether I could cope at university. Not to brag, but I’ve always been good at computing, it’s the only thing I’ve wanted to do as a career for as long as I can remember. I’ve spent countless hours reading about and messing about with computers and software. Since I’ve been unemployed for so long, I kind of lost my passion for it but now I am back in an environment where I can learn and make use of my skills again it has re-ignited my interest. I really can’t wait to get into the coursework and learn more.
I’m not sure whether it’s being in a new environment or the new medication, but I’m feeling a lot better than I was before I left for uni. I just hope it can continue.
Last week I finally got a letter from the psychiatrists telling my when my appointment would be; the 26th of September. That meant I would have to get the train back here for 9:30am on the Friday of my first week at university. Luckily I managed to get my mum to phone up and they could fit me in earlier on the 6th so I will be able to go before I leave for uni and before I have my last appointment with the mental health practitioner. I’m not entirely sure what will come of it, but I am hoping that possibly changing my medication might give me some relief from the crushing lows I’ve had recently and hopefully they’ll agree with the psych I saw at the hospital and give me some diazepam to use as needed. I could really do with some for when I start uni.
We had some bad news this evening, my mum’s boyfriend, K, phoned and told her that his daughters boyfriend, whom she met in Africa, has committed suicide by shooting himself. I felt terribly uneasy when she was talking about it, I’m not entirely sure that she realised how very close I was to ending my own life last Saturday, if she hadn’t returned home then there was a very high chance that I would have done it. For some reason she seemed much more upset about this person who she has never met than she did about me. I’m a horrible person for thinking this, but I can’t help feel a bit concerned about that. I have no idea about the circumstances surrounding his death, I’ve never meet him or K’s daughter, but I felt a bit hurt after my mum was going on about how tragic it was when she seemed to be ok after a quick 10 minute chat with me.
Feeling crappy at the moment. I went to the doctor today and she gave me a repeat prescription for my meds and when I mentioned to her about my insomnia, she told me to come back in a month if it’s still bothering me 😦 Oh well at least I have that out of the way, I was getting quite worried about going which I haven’t been the last couple of times.
Maybe this is childish of me but I can’t help feeling quite upset about something that happened with my internet friend (who I have met irl) SM. Apparently some random person who lives on her street asked her out and she’s decided to go and told me she’s excited about it, even though she doesn’t know anything about him. A while ago I confessed to her that I had feelings for her but she said we don’t know each other well enough for her to like me in that way 😦 Now I realise that I’m hardly a prize catch, but she has constantly reassured me that I am not ugly and all these bad things that I think about myself. I don’t want to be with her any more but hearing this and the fact that she told my sister about my suicidal feelings when I asked her not to has made me feel quite upset with her.
I went to see the mental health practitioner for my appointment on Tuesday, as I expected she said that after discussing my case with her supervisors they decided that I should see someone else as she can’t provide me with the help I need. I’ve been referred to a psychotherapist for CBT but it could take 6 months to a year before I can see them.
I don’t know what’s going to happen about my medication, she was even talking about taking me off Citalopram which I don’t really want to do because I think it has helped give my mood a bit of a lift and enabled me to make the little progress that I have this year.
I haven’t written for a long time so I thought I’d post an update on how and what I’m doing. Since I last wrote on here I’ve had my meds increased to 30mg and then 40mg of Citalopram. I feel slightly better in that I’m able to get out of bed and not feel like hiding away all the time, though I still do sometimes.
I’m seeing a therapist every few weeks and it’s helping somewhat but I think she doesn’t know how to deal with how bad I am 😦 I still haven’t been able to tell her what causes me to be most depressed, how hideous I look.
Anyway, I’ve consolidated most of my posts into this one blog, hopefully I’ll be able to keep updating. That’s all I can be bothered to write for now, thanks for reading.
Felt ok this morning, still a bit werid. Maybe it’s the placebo effect? When I talked to SF yesterday it made me feel a bit apprehensive about taking the meds because she said she wouldn’t want to do it. I read up on them on the net and apparently citalopram is considered one of the safest SSRI because it had the lowest side effects. Glad I wasn’t prescribed seroxat.
I noticed my jaw is feeling funny, possibly because of the meds.
Went to the doctors this morning. I let my anxiety build up and didn’t try to stop it. My chest was very tight by the time I got in and I think Dr Ripley knew how bad I was. He said the test I completed last time showed that I had depression and mostly anxiety and he prescribed my citalopram which I have to take for 6 months. I was quite pleased about it, hopefully it will make me feel good enough to try and tackle the SA problem. I got the prescription filled myself after psyching myself up for it. Mum was ok about it, although I still feel like she doesn’t want me taking SSRIs. I took my first one after tea and I felt a bit weird about it. My lack of sleep and the massive anxiety I went through earlier probably had something to do with it but I felt light headed and a bit giddy.