Two different people came to see me this afternoon, they didn’t seem to know anything about me and asked the same questions again; how is my sleep, what do I do when I have suicidal thoughts. I don’t think anything really came of it to be honest, I had written down an extract from my blog that I was going to show them but never felt like I had an opportunity. The man did most of the talking and he seemed distracted and distant, the young woman was more friendly but I don’t think I’m quite ready to hand over a piece of paper with such dark and morbid thoughts over to smiley people.
The nights are much harder for me, I’m ok at the moment and maybe I will be today, but when I’m at home on my own and away from civilisation I feel isolated and hopeless. One of my flatmates saw them leaving and I don’t know what to say if they ask who they were. They know I have some mental health problems so I’m considering just saying they were psychologists who came to see how I was getting on, which isn’t exactly the truth but not a lie either. I don’t think that’s too weird, but I’m not sure..
In other news, I got invited to one of my flatmates birthday celebrations next month which was nice of them. I’m going to try my hardest to go, even if I only join them for the pub/bar section of the evening and don’t go along to the clubs.
I’ve managed to distract myself from the bad thoughts for a while over the past few days by working on the website that I said I’d do for my mum’s boyfriend. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a while, I used to be really into computers and spend hours reading things and messing about with technology but since I became severely depressed I haven’t really cared about anything. In one way, I hope that my university course (if I get there) will help me to focus and regain my interest, that’s what I intend to do for a living after all. I still have the lingering doubts though. I’ve tried looking up some people on facebook who are starting at the same time as me to attempt to make some contacts before I go, but everything I read from them just makes me feel hopelessly inadequate and worthless. No-one will ever want to be friends with me, I don’t want to get “fukkin recked” or drink for 24 hours which is what everyone else will be doing.
I just don’t belong with anyone, every group and society is based around getting drunk, even more so than the intended purpose from what I’ve heard and seen so far. There doesn’t seem to be much point in even trying to talk to people, I just can’t relate to anyone. I can’t change so drastically enough to be considered normal, or at least acceptably weird.
Is life worth living if you’re always going to be alone, despised, or at best ignored? I’m getting pretty tired of it really, 23 years is a long time. It’s hard enough to know that I’m far too hideous and boring to ever be loved, but I don’t know if a lifetime of friendlessness will be worth bearing.
I got my university accommodation contract to sign this weekend and I have to phone up and pay my deposit tomorrow. This has brought home the reality of the situation to me, I will be leaving the house that I’ve lived in since 1991 and I thought I would probably waste away in. I am so scared about being on my own. I have not lived away from home before and I am starting to doubt how well I am going to cope. I really want to do this and get my degree, I don’t think I’d want to live if I drop out again, I’ll never have a third chance.
An internet friend of mine told me that there will be other people there who aren’t into the whole partying and drunkenness thing like me, but I find it incredibly hard to believe. I can just envisage myself being an outcast because I don’t like that sort of thing, not to mention all my other shortcomings and weirdness. It seems like that is one of the main reasons people look forward to going to university for, and I am so worried about appearing stuck up or holier than thou for not wanting to be involved with that. I don’t look down on people or think I’m better than them (quite the opposite in fact) but from what I’ve read on the internet, non-drinkers are almost universally reviled.
I didn’t decide to go back to university until very late in the application process, the start of May, so consequently I’ve had a bit of a rush on trying to get everything sorted. The biggest delay was waiting for my damn college tutor to write me a reference which took a whole month! (and looks like he wrote it in about 5 minutes during a coffee break).
The main problem I’m facing now is to do with accommodation. I only just got my UCAS welcome letter with my password to check which universities have made me an offer. Because of this, I’m not able to book any accommodation yet since I don’t know whether I’ll get into my first choice and I don’t have the right login details etc.
I’ve seen on the message boards for the second choice uni (that I know I have the grades to get into, the other one is a bit precarious) that all the halls are fully booked now, so I don’t know what I’m going to do if I end up having to go there. I put so much thought into moving out and I’d be massively disappointed if I have to stay at home for another year now. I really wanted to make a new start and change things in my life since I’ve been stagnating at home for so long. I just hope I get an offer soon so I can make the next step.