A bit of good news

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I don’t normally have much positive stuff to post about on here but I the last few days have been pretty good. I went swimming with my dad on Saturday, we used to go every week when I was younger but I hadn’t been for ages. I’m going to try and start going regularly again.

Last night I met up with someone I met online a few years ago, we hadn’t seen each other for a long time and I was afraid that after how quiet and boring I was last time that she wouldn’t want to see me again but it was really nice to catch up. Her friend was with her who I hadn’t met before and I was quite anxious about it but I think everything went alright and I enjoyed it. I feel like kind of a fraud on the rare occasions when I sort of manage to bluff my way through these kind of things, like I am almost lying by trying to hide what a loser I really am. Anyway, I’ve been trying my best to silence these doubts and stop myself from analysing everything that I said or did wrong and am doing better than usual. 

First CBT session

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I have my first CBT session today but I am so scared about it, unlike I have been scared of a medical/mental health thing for some time. I want to try and get better, I wish I could be normal or see myself as normal but it is so difficult for me because of how ingrained my beliefs and self hatred are.

I’m scared about making it there ok. It’s a long way and I can’t remember exactly where I need to get off the bus and I keep thinking I’m going to get lost and be late and start panicking like I do when I’m in that situation. My nerves are already shot, I keep crying and can’t seem to stop. Maybe it’s partly down to the venlafaxine withdrawal; my psychiatrist told me to drop down to 150mg this week and 75 next week and then stop altogether. I’m not sure about his schedule, it seems rather abrupt especially if it is having this much effect on me already.

Mostly I am sad because I fear I have lost a friend though. I don’t know if I can repair the massive damage I have done by being so foolish and I’m hurting so badly even though it was my fault. I’ve never lost a friend who I actually cared about before, I was glad to be rid of the people who were supposedly “friends” at school, but I have never felt like this before. I’m struggling to write this without making it into a guilt trip. I really don’t deserve forgiveness but because I am so childish and socially undeveloped I don’t think I can cope with the consequences of my actions.

I hope I can make it there alright and be able to show them the things I have written, otherwise it is going to be extremely hard to explain how I feel and it seems to me like this CBT is my last shot at the start of a solution and I am desperate.

I never want to feel so suicidal as I did over the weekend again but at the moment I can’t tell when it will happen again. It has begun to make other people’s lives worse and that is too much. I can’t let that happen, I need to try and overcome this but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.

*sigh*

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I think I’ve just about destroyed my friendship with SM. I sent her an email today because I was feeling especially down and I must have gone too far because she was really annoyed (justifiably, I’m a depressing lunatic). I ended up writing back, apologising profusely and I suggested that maybe it’s for the best if I don’t talk to her any more. I feel like our friendship has fallen apart over the last couple of months anyway. She never wants to talk and only says the barest minimum and all I ever do is complain about how bad I’m feeling.

I asked her not to mention my suicidal ideation to my family, she got mad and said that I made her feel trapped and frightened before and that’s why she told my sister without my permission. I feel just awful for being so horrible and dumping all this on her, even though she said many times that she didn’t mind listening. I don’t know what I want to get of talking about it to people, but I feel a tiny bit of relief from it. It’s not worth making other people feel that bad though.

I am a terrible person.

Friendship

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I wanted to write a bit about friendship for a while but didn’t really have any energy after hardly sleeping at all over the past few weeks. The last time I can remember having a proper friend, someone who I didn’t dread seeing in the street or hide when they came to the door, was when I was 11 years old. My next door neighbour and I used to hang out most days after school and during the holidays. We were both really into computers and I guess you could say, nerdy. We got on very well and had a good time playing out on the street with the other kids and spent probably longer than is healthy playing computer games together. He got me into adventure and strategy games which I still like today. 

Once I started at secondary school we drifted apart. I was often depressed because of the huge shock of being around so many horrible people and probably wasn’t very good company. I did attempt to become friends with him again later on but he didn’t really want to know. He basically blanked me if I ever said hello at school, most likely because he didn’t want to be associated with one of the biggest freaks in school. I haven’t spoke to him in years now even though he still lives next door when he isn’t at uni. I’ve looked at his Facebook page and he is completely different now. I should really stop doing that, it only depresses me to see how much people have changed and moved on in life whereas I am still the same pathetic loser that I have been for years. I had some so called “friends” in secondary school but as I have mentioned in previous posts, they were just about as horrible to me as the others who bullied me and I never wanted to see them if I didn’t have to. 

So over the past 12 years I have been effectively friendless. I didn’t even have any internet friends until December 2007. It’s hard being alone all the time. What little social skills I had have atrophied and I haven’t have any experiences that most people had as a teenager. People talk about it as a fun time that they spend being rebellious and taking the first few steps into adulthood. I basically spent the whole time at home with my parents. I never went out anywhere in the evenings, I only went to a pub with people for the first time a month or so ago. It is hard for most people to comprehend such a life, I mean it could have been a million times worse. I spend a long time each day feeling guilty about being depressed and anxious when I have life comparatively easy compared to 90% of the population. Having at least one friend is something most people seem to take for granted and I am constantly fearing that I will be rejected when people find out I am such a loner, in the truest sense of the word. I don’t know how to come up with excuses for the vast expanse of my life that is completely empty.

It has gotten to the point where I just can’t see anyone ever wanting to be my friend. This may sound like something an angsty teen might say, but I am 23 now and while people a lot younger than me are married, have kids and careers etc., I feel wholly inadequate. Not that I envy them for being married or parents, that’s not something I want right now! It is just so pathetic to be like I am at this age. I think I might be able to survive short term social interaction like I have done over the past few months, but there is really no depth to me or anything that would make anyone want to actually be friends with me. I don’t want to spend another decade like this…