Friendship

I wanted to write a bit about friendship for a while but didn’t really have any energy after hardly sleeping at all over the past few weeks. The last time I can remember having a proper friend, someone who I didn’t dread seeing in the street or hide when they came to the door, was when I was 11 years old. My next door neighbour and I used to hang out most days after school and during the holidays. We were both really into computers and I guess you could say, nerdy. We got on very well and had a good time playing out on the street with the other kids and spent probably longer than is healthy playing computer games together. He got me into adventure and strategy games which I still like today. 

Once I started at secondary school we drifted apart. I was often depressed because of the huge shock of being around so many horrible people and probably wasn’t very good company. I did attempt to become friends with him again later on but he didn’t really want to know. He basically blanked me if I ever said hello at school, most likely because he didn’t want to be associated with one of the biggest freaks in school. I haven’t spoke to him in years now even though he still lives next door when he isn’t at uni. I’ve looked at his Facebook page and he is completely different now. I should really stop doing that, it only depresses me to see how much people have changed and moved on in life whereas I am still the same pathetic loser that I have been for years. I had some so called “friends” in secondary school but as I have mentioned in previous posts, they were just about as horrible to me as the others who bullied me and I never wanted to see them if I didn’t have to. 

So over the past 12 years I have been effectively friendless. I didn’t even have any internet friends until December 2007. It’s hard being alone all the time. What little social skills I had have atrophied and I haven’t have any experiences that most people had as a teenager. People talk about it as a fun time that they spend being rebellious and taking the first few steps into adulthood. I basically spent the whole time at home with my parents. I never went out anywhere in the evenings, I only went to a pub with people for the first time a month or so ago. It is hard for most people to comprehend such a life, I mean it could have been a million times worse. I spend a long time each day feeling guilty about being depressed and anxious when I have life comparatively easy compared to 90% of the population. Having at least one friend is something most people seem to take for granted and I am constantly fearing that I will be rejected when people find out I am such a loner, in the truest sense of the word. I don’t know how to come up with excuses for the vast expanse of my life that is completely empty.

It has gotten to the point where I just can’t see anyone ever wanting to be my friend. This may sound like something an angsty teen might say, but I am 23 now and while people a lot younger than me are married, have kids and careers etc., I feel wholly inadequate. Not that I envy them for being married or parents, that’s not something I want right now! It is just so pathetic to be like I am at this age. I think I might be able to survive short term social interaction like I have done over the past few months, but there is really no depth to me or anything that would make anyone want to actually be friends with me. I don’t want to spend another decade like this…

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Had a Great Time

I didn’t back out! We had a very nice time in London, the film was saw was brilliant and although we were both quiet and somewhat nervous I think we got on well. It is quite strange to be with someone else who has SA and knows that you have it, it’s a big relief because you both know what the other person is going through and from the few SA sufferers that I’ve met, they seem to be very nice and understanding. It is also a little weird meeting someone in person for the first time when you have been talking on the internet for a long time. I’m too tired to write what I mean at the moment, hopefully I’ll write about it later.

Hopefully we’ll be able to meet up again, it’s a shame that we live so far apart because travelling makes me very tired. I only just managed to get my train back from London – I had to run! That was probably the most anxious I was the entire time, getting stuck somewhere is a big phobia of mine and even though I usually leave more than enough time to get back from places we got a bit lost and I only just made it. It was really hot and humid and because I ran, my face was sweating even more than usual (it happens when I’m anxious and makes me feel even worse) then I had to fight my way through people on the train and ask someone to move out of my reserved seat. Ugh.

Meeting People

I’m going into London tomorrow to meet a friend from the internet. We’ve been talking most days since last December and get on very well and she has SA too so it shouldn’t be too nerve wracking in theory, but I’m still getting quite anxious about it. The thing that keeps running through my head is that I’ll be so boring to spend time with and she’ll be wishing for the time to go quickly so she can escape 😦 I’ve told her that I’m worried about being boring and she reassured me that I won’t be, and that she feels the same way. I find that hard to take on board though, maybe it’s because of my low self esteem. Whenever I’m in any social situation, I always feel responsible for any lulls in the conversation or awkward moments, even though logically I know that it may not always be my fault, I simply cannot believe it in my heart of hearts.

Despite all this, I’m determined to go anyway (I’ve booked my tickets and everything now). Meeting up with my friend is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity so I really want to take advantage of it. We’re going to watch The Dark Knight in Leicester Square which should be fun, and at least will give us another topic of conversation.