Outsider

I’ve found myself in a familiar place here, on the outside. Since I started high school I’ve never really belonged to any particular group. I never fit into any of the “cliques” or whatever the name for them is these days. I wasn’t a goth, skater, popular or any other easily defined type of person. I didn’t even fit in with the nerds. Back in those days I used to tell myself that I was happier and better off alone, after all they were just acting that way to fit in with each other, the phonies. In a way I was happier, avoidance let my escape the anxiety which I dreaded so much but it left me without any proper friends or connections.

Here, it hasn’t taken long for me to become the odd one out. I don’t go out to clubs etc so I don’t fit in here either. I suppose it doesn’t help that I am incredibly quiet and also older than my other flatmates but I did initially make the effort to try and get to know them, however that has not gone well. I can talk to them in passing and I’ve even had short conversations with them when I’ve seen them alone but I can’t participate in group discussions so I’m effectively frozen out. I’d like to be friends with them, but we don’t really have anything at all in common.

So out of practice am I, that I doubt that I will make any friends here at all. I’ve already embarrassed myself by trying to speak to someone in my class who also looked to be by themselves and the only other person whose name I know and have spoken too reminded me too much of my old “friends” from school. I don’t want to be in that situation again where I am made to feel stupid for actually wanting to work, and having my notes copied and all that. I desperately want to try my hardest to do well in this degree and I don’t want it being spoiled by another person who thinks they’re “too cool for school” and mocks people for working hard. I mean, what’s the point? Why pay all that money if you aren’t going to concentrate?

I apologise for this incoherent ramble, I was woke up by water leaking into my room from the flat above so I’m not in the greatest of moods.

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Second Week at Uni

I’ve been here a couple of weeks now and I think things are going reasonably well. It was a big change for me, moving out and living with 5 other people whom I hadn’t met before. I’ve kind of settled in a bit more now, something I was worried would never happen. I don’t know if it’s the medication or not but I seem to be a little less anxious. I’ve managed to find my way around alright which is good since I have a terrible fear of getting lost and looking stupid.

The only thing I am disappointed with myself about so far is that I haven’t managed to make any friends yet. I tried talking to a girl in my class (the first time I can remember myself actually starting a conversation with a stranger) and she seemed really nice but since then I get the feeling she doesn’t want me to be around. I made a fool of myself the other day so I’m reluctant to talk to her again. Everyone else seems to already have formed groups and once again I’m on the outside but hopefully I will get to talk to people in my classes a bit more when we have workshops, rather than just lectures.

I’d like to say thanks to everyone who wished me well with my university stuff, I couldn’t have done it without the encouragement from my friend SM and also the lovely people who helped me when I was feeling at my lowest a few weeks ago. Not much interesting stuff has happened this week really so I apologise for the lack of posts.

How quickly things change…

for the worse. I actually felt quite good yesterday and today, I was beginning to feel a tiny bit more confident about university and life in general but as usual it has lasted. I have come crashing down again, I just wrote a desperate email to an online friend of mine, one of the only people who understands me, asking her to email me back. It’s hard when the person you want to talk to more than anyone in the world has avoidant personality and extreme SA 😦 I am in tears at the moment, I can’t stand myself any more. I want to die. Even when I am happy, there is an underlying disappointment that those moods are just holding me back from my biggest desire, to simply not suffer existence any more. Maybe I can last the 3 days before I see the psychiatrist, I don’t know how much help they can be in 1 hour though. I feel like I need a good talking to every day to stop me slipping into these horribly desperate moods.

I’ve already made preparations for my departure. There are several notes for each of the few people I have been able to talk to over the last, empty part of my life. Evidence from my computers has been securely destroyed, I just need to get rid of some burned DVDs.

Deterioration

I’ve been feeling awful for the past week, I mean really bad – I’ve been planning my suicide seriously. As my university start date gets closer I can’t help thinking about what a disaster it will be if I decide to go. I’m going to struggle for money because I’m having to pay all of the tuition fee myself since they wouldn’t give me a loan for it. I did plan on getting a job as soon as I get there but given how hard it’s been for me to even be considered for an interview over the past 18 months, I wouldn’t hold out too much hope. Then there’s all the other social stuff, I don’t know if I can handle rejection and being a laughing stock to everyone again, I’ve had enough of that at school and work. The course itself is going to be hard, but that’s really the least of my worries.

My life will not be worth living if I can’t get a degree, I’ve already decided that I’m not carrying on living if I can’t go to university now. I cannot stand another year of this, it would be too much. I told someone this, and they said why am I not doing everything I can to get help and go to uni then? The truth is, like I said in my previous post, I truly hate myself and I don’t think that my life is going to turn out any different from the horrible drudgery that it has been for the past 20 years.

Always being alone and unwanted by anyone is a difficult existence. It infuriates me when I hear people say things like “I’ve been single for months now” as if they should be pitied. I have never been loved or found attractive by anyone, I find it hard to pity others when I am fundamentally disgusting and unloveable myself. I’ve never known the happiness of having someone care for me and having someone to care about, I haven’t even ever held a girls hand, let alone kissed anyone. Pretty pathetic for a 23 year old and I doubt things are going to get better, I simply become more of a freak with each passing day.

I don’t want to be saved, and I don’t understand why people insist that I should try to prolong this miserable existence for as long as I can. There is nothing to look forward to except more disappointment. Disappointing my parents with my failures, constant isolation, watching everyone else get on with life and having fun while I just sit here wishing to be dead.

I am a horribly bitter and jealous person now. I feel awful whenever I see people out with friends, and especially couples. It seems as though everyone has at least a little pleasure to look forward too no matter how hard their life is, at least they get to experience friendship and love. I know that I have things a thousand times better than most, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but it is hard to feel happy when that is it. No living person outside my family cares whether I live or die, I have no experience of intimacy or sharing my thoughts with others. Most people would find it hard to imagine not having a single friend in their teenage or adult life so they probably can’t understand how crushing the loneliness is for me. I recently made a poll on an SA forum that I visit, and even compared to other SA sufferers, I am in the extreme minority because I have gone out to places with people (besides family) less than 5 times since I was 13. Someone there even made fun of me because of it, even to other socially anxious people I am a target for mockery because of my social inadequacy.

Tonight might be the night it all ends, I haven’t decided for sure yet. I’ll have to wait until my mum goes out anyway. Time to finish those notes.

*sigh*

I think I’ve just about destroyed my friendship with SM. I sent her an email today because I was feeling especially down and I must have gone too far because she was really annoyed (justifiably, I’m a depressing lunatic). I ended up writing back, apologising profusely and I suggested that maybe it’s for the best if I don’t talk to her any more. I feel like our friendship has fallen apart over the last couple of months anyway. She never wants to talk and only says the barest minimum and all I ever do is complain about how bad I’m feeling.

I asked her not to mention my suicidal ideation to my family, she got mad and said that I made her feel trapped and frightened before and that’s why she told my sister without my permission. I feel just awful for being so horrible and dumping all this on her, even though she said many times that she didn’t mind listening. I don’t know what I want to get of talking about it to people, but I feel a tiny bit of relief from it. It’s not worth making other people feel that bad though.

I am a terrible person.

Reality Sinking In

I got my university accommodation contract to sign this weekend and I have to phone up and pay my deposit tomorrow. This has brought home the reality of the situation to me, I will be leaving the house that I’ve lived in since 1991 and I thought I would probably waste away in. I am so scared about being on my own. I have not lived away from home before and I am starting to doubt how well I am going to cope. I really want to do this and get my degree, I don’t think I’d want to live if I drop out again, I’ll never have a third chance. 

An internet friend of mine told me that there will be other people there who aren’t into the whole partying and drunkenness thing like me, but I find it incredibly hard to believe. I can just envisage myself being an outcast because I don’t like that sort of thing, not to mention all my other shortcomings and weirdness. It seems like that is one of the main reasons people look forward to going to university for, and I am so worried about appearing stuck up or holier than thou for not wanting to be involved with that. I don’t look down on people or think I’m better than them (quite the opposite in fact) but from what I’ve read on the internet, non-drinkers are almost universally reviled.