Plans

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I got the appointment over and done with this afternoon, not much came of it really. I told her about how bad I’ve been feeling and some more about the crappy experiences I had at work, which she seemed quite upset about. On a personal level I think it makes her sad to hear what I have to say, especially about the way people have made me feel about myself. I don’t really like it when she looks at me all concerned. Anyway, I have another appointment with her next week to try and challenge these negative thoughts that I wrote down. I don’t fancy doing that much because I just cannot believe the alternatives to the things I wrote, I feel as though I’d just be burying my head in the sand.

When I got back today, my mum told me that she is going to France for a couple of days with her boyfriend to look at this house of his, they were meant to be going for a week earlier in the month but she changed her mind because she didn’t want to leave me alone :-/ She asked me if I wanted to go, and although I am scared about going somewhere where I cannot easily get home if I wanted to, I’ve never been out of this country before so that would be nice. There isn’t long for me to decide if I want to go or not, hmm what to do…

Plans

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I got the appointment over and done with this afternoon, not much came of it really. I told her about how bad I’ve been feeling and some more about the crappy experiences I had at work, which she seemed quite upset about. On a personal level I think it makes her sad to hear what I have to say, especially about the way people have made me feel about myself. I don’t really like it when she looks at me all concerned. Anyway, I have another appointment with her next week to try and challenge these negative thoughts that I wrote down. I don’t fancy doing that much because I just cannot believe the alternatives to the things I wrote, I feel as though I’d just be burying my head in the sand.

When I got back today, my mum told me that she is going to France for a couple of days with her boyfriend to look at this house of his, they were meant to be going for a week earlier in the month but she changed her mind because she didn’t want to leave me alone :-/ She asked me if I wanted to go, and although I am scared about going somewhere where I cannot easily get home if I wanted to, I’ve never been out of this country before so that would be nice. There isn’t long for me to decide if I want to go or not, hmm what to do…

A Few Updates

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Thanks for the kind comments, they did help me feel better in what has been a very rough week for me. I felt more suicidal than I have since 2006 and I honestly thought it might come to that 😦

I’ve got a bit better, things don’t seem quite as hopeless now though I am feeling guilty because my sister found out because one of my online friends told her. I’m not mad at her for doing that, I didn’t leave her much choice. It was selfish of me to talk about such matters and scare her. My mum has found out as well now and left me a letter asking me not to do anything drastic 😦 I can’t bring myself to discuss this out loud with her so I’m just acting as if nothing happened at the moment. Not healthy, I know, but I’m used to this kind of head-in-the-sand way of being.

Last night I got an email from the online friend of mine who had disappeared for over 5 months. I was so overjoyed to hear from her again, I had being trying to reach her for so long and sometimes feared the worst since she has depression, OCD and SA. Thankfully she is ok, though she was obviously feeling really guilty and was very apologetic. I was just so happy, the first time I’d felt that way in a long time.

I’m going to make a proper post later, I’m just so tired at the moment because I didn’t sleep at all last night so I’ve been up for 32 hours now..