Ugh

Feeling crappy at the moment. I went to the doctor today and she gave me a repeat prescription for my meds and when I mentioned to her about my insomnia, she told me to come back in a month if it’s still bothering me 😦 Oh well at least I have that out of the way, I was getting quite worried about going which I haven’t been the last couple of times.

Maybe this is childish of me but I can’t help feeling quite upset about something that happened with my internet friend (who I have met irl) SM. Apparently some random person who lives on her street asked her out and she’s decided to go and told me she’s excited about it, even though she doesn’t know anything about him. A while ago I confessed to her that I had feelings for her but she said we don’t know each other well enough for her to like me in that way 😦 Now I realise that I’m hardly a prize catch, but she has constantly reassured me that I am not ugly and all these bad things that I think about myself. I don’t want to be with her any more but hearing this and the fact that she told my sister about my suicidal feelings when I asked her not to has made me feel quite upset with her.

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Doctor Visit

Went to the doctors this morning. I let my anxiety build up and didn’t try to stop it. My chest was very tight by the time I got in and I think Dr Ripley knew how bad I was. He said the test I completed last time showed that I had depression and mostly anxiety and he prescribed my citalopram which I have to take for 6 months. I was quite pleased about it, hopefully it will make me feel good enough to try and tackle the SA problem. I got the prescription filled myself after psyching myself up for it. Mum was ok about it, although I still feel like she doesn’t want me taking SSRIs. I took my first one after tea and I felt a bit weird about it. My lack of sleep and the massive anxiety I went through earlier probably had something to do with it but I felt light headed and a bit giddy.

First Doctors Appointment

After years of worrying and apprehension I finally made it to the doctors today to discuss my anxiety. I was extremely nervous and I had written down my problems as some people who have been through the same thing advised me to do because I was worried about how to talk about it. When I got in there though, he refused to read what I’d written and made me say what was wrong. I froze up and didn’t know how to say it, I feel embarrassed to say these things out loud and I don’t think I managed to get it across to him what I’ve been through.

He gave me a questionnaire to fill in and wrote down the phone number and website of a social anxiety support group and told me to come back in a month. When I got back home I tried the website but it no longer exists, I even tried phoning the number which is a big thing for me because I hate using phones so much but the number was not working either 😦

I feel pretty down about the whole thing, like I’ve spent many years to get to this stage and now I feel like I’ve blown it and the Dr didn’t believe there was anything wrong because I couldn’t say how I feel. I kept worrying that he thought I was making things up to try and get benefits or something and that my problems aren’t important compared to people with physical illness.

I really don’t know what to do now *sigh*