So Depressed


Social anxiety has wrecked my life so far in almost every possible way. In school I was bullied for being shy and clever and a lot about my appearance. I always had the idea in my head that I would do well in life though, that doing well in classes would pay off in the long run. I was wrong though.

Towards the end of school I started missing classes because I was too afraid to face up to a certain girl who used to make fun of me all the time because I was practically mute and weird-looking. As a result my grades went down and I didn’t fulfil my potential at all.

After that I thought I would be able to get away from the people who bullied me and made my life a misery who were supposedly my “friends” but they decided to follow me to the same university and carried on making me depressed.

Even though they were supposedly friends they used to harass me for not being social and going places with them because I was too anxious and I hated them so much I didn’t want to spend any more time with them outside of school. One of them once told me I was pathetic and would always be alone in life and it made me feel like I didn’t want to live any more. My heart would race whenever the phone would ring in case it was them and I had to make an excuse why I couldn’t go out and they’d shout at me and berate me for being unsociable. I thought I could be rid of them but it wasn’t possible.

I didn’t even last a full year at uni because they made me life hell and I just couldn’t cope with the social things that are expected of you at university. I was so depressed and suicidal that I decided to drop out even though I knew it would cause me trouble in the long term.

Anyway now I am an unemployed loser with a worthless college diploma and everyone who made fun of me before is successful and have well paid jobs and girlfriends and places of their own to live and I’m pretty much the same shy, inexperienced 13 year old I was when it all started.

It’s hard to see what the point is in living now, I’ve fucked things up so badly. I owe thousands of pounds in student loans that I used to pay for the college course I did after I dropped out that has got me nowhere.

I spent literally years of my life doing noting but coming home from school/college and staying at home just going on the computer or reading, I’m practically a recluse.

There’s not much reason for me to carry on living, I’m far too weird for anyone to ever like or be friends with. My mother has made me feel as though I can’t do anything for myself and never let me do my own thing so now I am just an empty shell of a human being.