Small World

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The world feels like it is closing in on me. I have long been confined to mostly the same few places, it’s hard to get away very far for various reasons, but recently I’ve hardly been out of the house and even more I’ve been finding it difficult to even spend much time outside of my room. Everything feels like it’s going wrong even more the usual lately and I just cannot face even dealing with my family. They know I’m not doing well but I can’t ever tell them what I’m really going through because there’s nothing they can do to help and it will just distress them to know.

There are so many things just catching up with me and I feel like I’m running out of ways to cope with them. The main thing that I just can’t deal with is money issues. I still owe money from when I was at university and unexpectedly had to pay the tuition fees for a year (you normally get a loan for this in the UK) and also got denied any grant money at all because I’d done a course previously so had to use 95% of my loan on accommodation alone (read back in the archives if you want to know about this). I’ve never earned enough to pay much of it back and I’ve only been able to make the minimum payment for a long while and a few months ago the card company wrote to say I was considered to be in “persistent debt” and wanted me to pay £2000 to remove this status, which I simply don’t have. They are going to stop me spending any more on my card, which I don’t care about because I never buy anything anyway, but if they want me to pay substantially more per month than I already do which is literally everything I make, then I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It is really sickening because I had made a couple of steps forward in terms of trying to be more positive and find reasons to carry on with life, but this is just the latest kick in the teeth to set me back. I don’t even know what the point is any more. I shouldn’t have got myself into this situation and I know that it’s petty and jealous but I feel like crying when I see everyone who was at university with me buying houses and having decent jobs and relationships and I know I will never have any of that.

I don’t want to be alarming but I am seriously struggling to see any way out of this, it’s no longer within my control as it was for years when I couldn’t see how much of a chance I had to really change things. Nothing good ever happens, the only thing that does happen is more things to make me depressed and hopeless, I feel like I’m just being taunted and beaten down by life constantly until I have nothing left, and I already feel guilty about it because I know that so many people have things much worse than me but I just can’t take much more.

3 thoughts on “Small World

  1. Ro

    Hi Nick,

    You may feel differently now, but if you do still feel the way you did in Febuary please read this comment (I apologise for the length!)

    I understand your worries concerning money, debt creates a soul crushing and suffocating type of anxiety. When you suffer with extreme high levels of anxiety, and then more anxiety induced by money worries makes living day to day unbearable. I have been in your situation before and I recommend talking to someone like your parents. Just admitting you are struggling with money worries helps. I quietly suffered with my debt for a year and got myself in a terrible situation. It wasn’t until I spoke to someone that I was able to resolve the situation. I can imagine it is the last thing you want to do, but it’s important you let someone try to help you, your family will want to help even if it doesn’t feel like it.

    From your febuaray 2020 post it seems you feel there is not much for you to live for. I want to convince you of the potential you have, that many people later in life begin to figure things out. That having life worked out in your 20s/30s/40s is actually bull***t. Though I don’t expect that argument to convince you because I know it hasn’t convinced me in the past either, but it is true, there is always time for you to make small steps towards a life you would want. You have many things to live for. Your family from what you write is one of the main things. The way you have written about your mum shows you have so much strength inside you; I don’t think you can see it. It may be strange for you to read this comment from a complete stranger. But I’ve been reading your blog since 2013 and 7 years later it still gives me so much comfort. When i’m in my darkest moments (not gonna lie I completely know where you’re coming from, what you felt in your post in feb 2020 is very much how i’m feeling right now), reading your post and seeing that someone else feels so much of what I feel gives me hope that it is possible to escape the misery of anxiety. You help me feel less alone in the world. I want you to feel that same hope. You have helped so many of us, have touched so many people through your blog. I’m sure many more people besides myself have read your blog over the years and completely understand what you’re going through. If for nothing else, please keep living for those of us who find your blog posts a comfort and who you provide a sense of not being the only ones that feel alone with such crippling social anxiety.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rosie

    I’m sorry you are suffering so much. I can identify with a lot of what you describe. When I compare myself to other people, I always end up feeling bad, so I try to remind myself that they don’t have the same problems I face.

    Like

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