The world feels like it is closing in on me. I have long been confined to mostly the same few places, it’s hard to get away very far for various reasons, but recently I’ve hardly been out of the house and even more I’ve been finding it difficult to even spend much time outside of my room. Everything feels like it’s going wrong even more the usual lately and I just cannot face even dealing with my family. They know I’m not doing well but I can’t ever tell them what I’m really going through because there’s nothing they can do to help and it will just distress them to know.
There are so many things just catching up with me and I feel like I’m running out of ways to cope with them. The main thing that I just can’t deal with is money issues. I still owe money from when I was at university and unexpectedly had to pay the tuition fees for a year (you normally get a loan for this in the UK) and also got denied any grant money at all because I’d done a course previously so had to use 95% of my loan on accommodation alone (read back in the archives if you want to know about this). I’ve never earned enough to pay much of it back and I’ve only been able to make the minimum payment for a long while and a few months ago the card company wrote to say I was considered to be in “persistent debt” and wanted me to pay £2000 to remove this status, which I simply don’t have. They are going to stop me spending any more on my card, which I don’t care about because I never buy anything anyway, but if they want me to pay substantially more per month than I already do which is literally everything I make, then I don’t know what I’m going to do.
It is really sickening because I had made a couple of steps forward in terms of trying to be more positive and find reasons to carry on with life, but this is just the latest kick in the teeth to set me back. I don’t even know what the point is any more. I shouldn’t have got myself into this situation and I know that it’s petty and jealous but I feel like crying when I see everyone who was at university with me buying houses and having decent jobs and relationships and I know I will never have any of that.
I don’t want to be alarming but I am seriously struggling to see any way out of this, it’s no longer within my control as it was for years when I couldn’t see how much of a chance I had to really change things. Nothing good ever happens, the only thing that does happen is more things to make me depressed and hopeless, I feel like I’m just being taunted and beaten down by life constantly until I have nothing left, and I already feel guilty about it because I know that so many people have things much worse than me but I just can’t take much more.