Waiting

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I’m still waiting to find out what will happen with my mum. There has been a lot of back and forth with the hospital but she is seeing the consultant tomorrow (31st) and hopefully we will know more after that. In the past week I managed to fall out with my sister because of everything that’s been going on. My mum was trying to get through to the doctors on the phone but was finding it hard to contact anyone who could tell her anything and even though she said that she wanted to do it herself, my sister said that because I hadn’t been phoning them too that I didn’t care and if she dies it will be because I didn’t do enough. I ended up shouting and swearing at her because even though I know I’m a worthless piece of shit, the one thing you cannot say about me is that I don’t care about my family when they are literally the only reason I haven’t already killed myself.

I know that anyone who reads this will probably think the same thing, that the stress of everything is what made her say that but I don’t think that is the whole reason. For a few months or more now I’ve felt like my sister has started resenting me and doesn’t even really like me any more. It’s so sad to face up to this, I started crying uncontrollably again after this all happened and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I know she has been saying some things about me to my mum (before this cancer stuff) but I can’t get a straight answer out of her about what it is. She was basically my only friend and I feel like I am having everything taken away from me, soon I will have nobody who cares about me left.

If there is bad news tomorrow I’m afraid I will not be able to take it. There’s only so much more shit life can throw at me. I’ve had years and years of depression, loneliness and hopelessness but I always had my family and now they could be ripped away from me too. It sounds selfish to say this but I don’t want to be left alone. I can’t face this pointless existence by myself and I fear that soon I will actually have nothing to live for.

3 thoughts on “Waiting

  1. I can’t say anything else other than I feel for you. Being in that place where it’s as if there’s truly no one—entirely no one, not a single soul—is terrifying and so lonely. I have considered every alternative, and it is my conclusion that life truly is meaningless without some sort of higher power. If not for my belief in God I’d probably have killed myself long ago. But because of it I do believe that even with no one around I am still not alone—no one has to be alone. I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened to you.

    Praying you find hope. (Try reading Ecclesiastes.)

    Myron

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  2. I am so sorry to hear of your mother’s illness and the family upheaval. I can relate having gone through something similar myself in recent years. I just stopped by your blog as I’m running a new website now (aboutsocialanxiety.com) and was going to include your site in an upcoming article about social anxiety blogs. I was pleased to find that your site is still here. Hang in there, I hope that things will turn around for you.

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