I have been thinking a lot about how being alone is so damaging to my (I don’t want to speak for others, some people like being alone, although I would question how many would prefer complete isolation…) mental wellbeing recently. I think I touched on this in a previous post but I have been thinking back to when the last time I actually spent time with or talked to anyone outside my family and apart from a few occasions with people who I wouldn’t even call acquaintances, it has been over 18 months. I am afraid that it is doing irreparable damage to me. Even my own family doesn’t really seem interested in what I have to say. Practically every time I try and talk to one of my parents they either change the subject to something about themselves or just start doing other things or walking away. I know that I am not the most interesting person but I am starting to feel invisible. In the rare times when I do get to say anything, I feel like I am falling over my words or almost stuttering, which I never used to do. Years of being stuck in this situation can’t be good for you.
Since I last posted I have continued to feel very depressed. It’s still not quite as bad as it has been in the past, the period in late 2006 when I was at my first job being the absolute worst that I’ve ever felt, even more so than when I tried to kill myself, but I do feel more hopeless than I have in a long time. It seems strange to think back a few years when I was writing such despairing posts on here. I did feel absolutely terrible at times but by all accounts I was so much better off then than I am now. I was younger and doing something with my life that isn’t seen by society as a complete waste. I had a lot more going for me then than I do now, people I talked to online who cared about me and even a few people who would speak to me in real life.
I have slid so far backwards, I am practically at the same point that I was when I first started the original posts 6 years ago that eventually became this blog. The main difference is that this time I have nowhere to go. Back then I still had university ahead of me and I was young enough that I could get away with being behind on a lot of things. Now every single day I feel more and more inadequate compared to other people my age. Even the people I met who were years younger than me have already far surpassed me.
I’m tired of being an embarrassment. There is nothing that can be realistically expected that would make things seem ok to me now. There is no path that I can see that would lead to me ever feeling any different, it’s too late to turn things around now.
5 thoughts on “Isolation”
Hi Nick! Its great to hear from you. I’ve been reading your blog from your first post to the 100th post all day straight today for a paper I will be writing on SA (I hope that’s okay with you). I, myself, have social anxiety and some of your posts hit close to home and made me really emotional. I don’t know what to say to comfort you but I really want to give you hug 😥 If you need someone to talk to, you can email me. I am here, willing to listen and I can encourage you everyday if you want! Hang in there, Nick. Even after this paper, I will continue checking this blog and I hope you will keep on updating it.
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If you need anything, give me a shout. As you know by now, I suffered from crippling SA and depression and felt very similar to you for most of my life. I locked myself away at Uni. and would eat uncooked noodles, just so I didn’t have to bump into anyone in the kitchen. I used to eat lunch in the toilets at work so I didn’t have to talk to people (I know, disgusting). You can get better.
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I’m in a very similar situation to you at the moment, so I can sympathise-I sometimes have wondered if there is anyone, literally just one person, who has social anxiety as bad as me. I can’t do anything on my own, I can’t even get to uni for my SA, so don’t feel alone and I’d love to talk to you-email me or checkout my blog-what you said about feeling like it’s too late, I could’ve wrote that! So feel free to contact me, one lonely human to another.
Hi, I am doing a project in health class on a topic of our choice and I chose to do mines on phobias, and I want to thank you because your blog helped me out. But while reading your blog you said some things that really got to me and made me a bit emotional. I want you to know that you really aren’t alone. No matter how many times you hear someone say this, you are NOT alone and I mean it. You are not an embarrassment. You are not worthless. There may be times that you may feel alone and you may think that no one in the world not even in your family cares about you, but let me just tell you that I care and that goes for anyone who is suffering from social phobia. I want all of you to know that I care about you guys and will always care. Nick you mentioned at the end of your post that it is too late to turn things around but it’s not. One of my friends once told me, “There is always a little darkness before a bright light.” and that is so true. Someday you may feel that there is no hope. You may feel that the world is passing by so fast and that it is leaving you behind but I’m telling you that there is hope. You will find that bright light and just know that I will always be there every step of the way if you need me. Don’t ever hesitate to e-mail me if you ever need a friend to talk to.
I just came across this post and couldn’t leave without following you on here and your twitter. There’s something about your post that strikes me as very similar to my anxiety. We compare ourselves to people way too much, I say sod them and let’s try recover ourselves without feeling inadequate. Easier said than done I know, and I’m only starting out on my journey – I’m training myself to manage the anxiety and it starts off by caring about your own self development w/out comparing it to anyone else.