The last few days have been overwhelmed by frustration. I went for my CBT appointment on Thursday and my therapist seemed much more impatient than usual. I know it must be difficult to deal with me and I have apologised before for being such an awkward patient (which he of course denied I was), it takes me a long time to vocalise my thoughts or explain things which I find embarrassing. A lot of the time I sit in silence and he rattles off suggestions of how I might have felt until he says the right one and  I nod. It’s a slow process indeed.

This time however, he just seemed to be out of patience. He set me the task of asking a stranger for the time and asked how that would make me feel. I knew it made me feel scared, but I couldn’t put into words exactly why and what I was afraid of. Having had some time to think about it; I guess what I’d be worried about is the person wondering why I’m talking to them. Why did I choose them to ask? They might think I’m coming on to them or trying to distract them while someone pickpockets them or something. Another more likely thing is that they’d just ignore me and walk past, because nobody wants to be stopped and hassled by a weirdo like me. I don’t know, it’s hard to express these thoughts aloud when they are so embarrassing. Even though I realise that none of these things would be harmful, I’d still be scared to do it anyway.

Assuming the best case scenario, I manage to do this tiny activity and report back next week, I’d probably be given something larger to do and so forth. But how long would it take building from being a functional retard like I am now to becoming something resembling a normal human being? It will be in the order of years even in the best case. I don’t know if I can handle being such a loathsome wreck of a person for that long. I’ve already wasted almost a quarter of a century, some of the times in a persons life when major personal development happens and, by and large people find to be an enjoyable time.

I don’t really know how to end this post. I think I’ve gone past a point of no return regarding suicide. Once you get it into your head that it is not only a viable escape from the pain, but the best and most immediate one, then it’s hard to take your mind off it and stop your thinking from going there automatically. I don’t know if it’s possible to stop doing that. They’ve tried using guilt on me, but there will be a point (in fact there already was a point) when the pain is too much for that to hold me back. What can I do? Become a permanent inpatient and doom myself to a life of being constantly sedated and under lock and key until I die alone? What a great life to look forward to.


3 thoughts on “Frustration

  1. DH

    I suppose it might not comfort you (I hope it does!) but you can’t be entirely sure what the future holds – I’ve been surprised (sometimes pleasantly). Glad to see you’re on Twitter and that you are/were Feeling pretty chilled for the first time in months.

    Take care


  2. Thanks for the comment DH. Unfortunately I can be pretty sure what the future holds, I don’t think anything can shake me from the path I’m heading down.


  3. Skye

    I’ve just come onto your blog and I’ve only read this one entry. I honestly thought I was the only one who was 25 and like this. You feel horrible after leaving the session if you know your therapist is being impatient. I still can’t empathise with exactly what you’re going through – however – instead of focussing on the future – just focus on the fact that no matter what you’re feeling, you are still a worthwhile person.

    And I know that it’s highly unlikely any of us will be able to make a living out of writing our blogs, but in spite of you being unable to speak, like your throat chakra is severely closed, have you ever appreciated the beauty of your written words? You write very eloquently. extremely eloquently. That is a great asset, I’m sure you have more. Peace, light and love…


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