That’s how I feel. I’ve got nowhere where I can feel at peace. At least last year I could come home and not be treated like a nutcase who has to be monitored and can’t be left alone for a few hours. I had my own little space in halls where I could hide out for weeks at a time without needing to emerge to use the bathroom. I hate my new house. In theory I should like it, the people I found most intimidating in my halls apartment are gone but I feel like I’m a prisoner there. Going out of my darkened, creaky bedroom fills me with dread. I can’t stand to be around these enthusuastic life-lovers, there’s only so much excitement and happiness i can fake, and it isn’t much.

It’s difficult to keep up the pretense of enjoying being back at university; I hate the drinking and forced socialising that everyone else loves so much. I want to scream out “I almost died!” but I can’t. Things seem excessively trivial when you’ve spent the past weeks trying to convince various healthcare professionals that you are, in fact, sane and won’t try to kill yourself again even if that is a lie. I know how to dress it up and make them believe me, it’s no use flat out denying the thoughts never occur to you. “They’re at the back of my mind but I won’t act on them now I know what it’s like”, that’s what you have to sell.

It’s a cliche but I hate my life. There’s nothing I derive pleasure from. I’m never ever happy, I hate lying and saying that i am when it is expected of me. Lying here things seem so utterly hopeless, I can’t see a way out that I so desperately crave. There’s no way I’m trying the pills again, I don’t want to end up in a psych ward surrounded by crazies. There’s nowhere high enough to reliably jump from either here or my other city. Fuck, I wish I had a gun. All I can do to keep from breaking down is to hide, under the bedsheets, in my university cell, wherever people aren’t. I know I can’t do it forever and I hear the clock ticking away. If I make any attempt to escape now, it’d better work because I cannot afford to miss any university, financially or otherwise. I am trapped here, destined to either stay in pain or sucumb to being mental on a full time basis. I don’t think I can deal with either.


13 thoughts on “Trapped

  1. Try to keep in mind that not seeing any way out of deep depression is one of the symptoms of deep depression…I know because I’ve been feeling that way myself lately. What’s essential, I think, is to see depression as depression, rather than as your life or as reality. I remember years ago reading that Winston Churchill referred to depression as his “black dog.” At the time, I couldn’t relate to that at all–to me depression was an all-consuming black hole in which I was stuck, which I really couldn’t differentiate from my life or the world. Now, I’ve come a lot closer to seeing depression as an unwelcome guest (which is a better metaphor for me than the black dog, since dogs are more likely to cheer me up)–he shows up, makes my life miserable, and refuses to leave. But, much as that sucks, he’s not me, he’s not the world, and eventually he is going to leave….


  2. uprising

    If you are never happy thats like clinical depression, you DO need more help. I mean to people who you see often, why do you have to fake being happy, tell them you are sad! Tell them you are sad and tell them to help you or get lost, why do you have to fake being happy around them!?

    You are still clinically depressed and need more help, I don’t know why you are trying to convince people you are not depressed, when you are and need their help. That’s the only way

    And you don’t completely hate yourself, you want happiness, you want attention, that’s why you made this blog.

    I’m struggling socially but am not sad too much since I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Torrent the e-book “How to talk to anyone: 92 tips for big success in relationships”, and for something more basic: “How to make friends and influence people”. This self therapy kindof helped with my social anxiety, but mostly due to the self-esteem stuff in it, it presented me with a radical new way of thinking, and it made sense. Why do you care what other people think of you, they aren’t judging YOU, they are judging the outside presentation of you. Only YOU and people who know you well can judge you correctly, since they are the only ones who really know you:

    And I hate being forced to being nice to people, because at first I thought I wasn’t “being myself” but I learned that no one could really get to know me if I pushed people away with my emo and awkward presentation.


  3. uprising

    I don’t give my secret to many people but you need it, there is a whole community of guys who were previously horrible and social stuff and talking to girls, but became amazing at it. They are called pick up artisits. There are tons of methods out there, but I like this one the best as its the most natural:

    It Wayne Elise’s “How to meet and connect with women”. Torrent it. Just to know that any chump can be made into a player, there are other methods that rely on pure memorization of lines, and that might be easier for you to start with. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of hits if you google pick up artist, but the most famous memorization pua book is “mystery method”


  4. @YogaforCynics
    I know what you mean, but I haven’t know anything other than depression for years and years now, at least 12 which is half my life. I have never developed any other personality or become anything other than a depressed loner. I have no escape from it.

    People don’t want to hear that you are depressed, they don’t know how to deal with it. They can’t help anyway, I have far far too many issues for any single person to help with. I don’t even think therapy can clean up this complete mess I have made of my “life”.

    I think we disagree about certain things, I certainly don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel for me. I know I’ve fucked things up irreparably and I am a disgusting and repulsive person who nobody would like or even tolerate.

    The whole pick up artist thing is extremely creepy to me, and not really something I want to have anything to do with.

    rita :why are you like this do you think, was your childhood happy?

    You’d probably have to read everything I’ve written so far to figure that out. A combination of my own shortcomings and how relentlessly people tried to destroy me and how I let them. My childhood was happy until I started high school (age 11).


  5. uprising

    hah yes you are such a disgusting person that you think pua stuff is creepy! Bull man its just negative thinking, I’m SURE that you’re a decent guy that doesn’t deserve death, but love and help. But from all this “I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel” and “I’m never happy” stuff, I get the vibe that you are clinically depressed. As in its partly due to a medical condition; brought on by circumstances but it doesn’t change the fact that your mind is ill atm and you need medical treatment, as you’re blowing the dreariness of your situation way out of proportion if you constantly see suicide as an option.

    Its nothing to be ashamed of, scoff at the people who look down at you for being depressed, no one looks down at cancer patients or heart disease patients! Why did you start high school at 11? Maybe that’s what started it…

    I love you nick, and if you aren’t receiving love from many other people its because to receive and give love you must first love yourself. Please get help man.


  6. @uprising
    Well I’ll admit I don’t know a lot about it but the concept doesn’t sound like something I’d be interested in. I’m not really a decent guy, people do try to help me but it doesn’t work because no matter what anyone says, it won’t change the nature of the world or the society we live in.

    I am clinically depressed and I can’t remember denying it. I was on antidepressants of various types for 1.5 years but I think they just made me worse so I have stopped taking them. Maybe you don’t understand what it is like to be completely hopeless if you don’t see suicide as an option. I know people have things a lot worse than me but I can’t cope with it, I can’t cope with being such a failure.

    I live in the UK and we go to primary school from age 5-11 and then secondary/high school from 11-16.

    You don’t know me so you can’t possibly love me, whatever that means. I’ve tried to get help, nothing has occupied my mind and time more over the past 2 years but there isn’t anything that can be done for me. I don’t love myself because I am a useless person, I don’t deserve love because I have wasted my life.


  7. John Morris

    From your comment above Nick, What is it about the nature of the world and society that we live in that you find so depressing? If it were possible, how would you like it to change?


  8. Everything I’ve written about over the past 2 years. I don’t know how I’d like it to change, I don’t think it’s possible anyway so there’s no point thinking about it.


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