This might not make much sense, sorry in advance. The last few days I have felt like I am spiralling out of control, one day blurs into the next I forget when it started exactly. I have been seriously considering reckless things that I shouldn’t be (not talking about suicide) and I’ve hit 4 of the symptoms of hypomania. Not that I am suggesting that I am bipolar, I’ve never had this before and yesterday I realised I forgot my meds 2 days in a row which probably didn’t help things.
I haven’t eaten a proper meal since last thursday, I’ve been getting through work on red bull, had to call in sick one day last week because on top of everything i had a splitting headache and terrible cold and I couldn’t take it.
I’m scared about what I might do. I had tried to convince myself to stop looking towards suicide as the answer, but if I wreck up my life even more I might not have any other option.
Last night I told the person I’m closest too about how I am feeling and what crazy things I had been planning to do and I think she should have been disgusted with me and never wanted to speak to me again but instead she just wanted to reassure me that it’s my illness. I don’t know if I can lay the blame of much more at the feet of depression, I have to take responsibility at some point.
What upset me most is that she said that she felt like she has been talking to a person with a terminal illness for the past few weeks 😦 I hate to think that that is how I am thought of, I don’t deserve any sympathy, everything wrong with me is my own doing and I don’t HAVE to die, it’s all self imposed. I feel guilty as hell.
this is an extract of some things i have written down for my therapist (still got to wait until the 17th to see him)
I am a wreck. I feel like I want to cry but no tears come, there’s nothing there. I’m so sick of being such a worthless excuse for a human and heading down the inevitable path of failure.
I am so starved of affection and I crave it desperately even if it is not real. I long for someone else’s touch. It is so incredibly hard knowing you are disgusting and repellent to everyone and that closeness and intimacy are unattainable. I plan on killing myself soon, I’d rather my inevitable suicide be seen as a tradgedy and maybe a waste of potential than people wonder “what took him so long?”
I honestly don’t know what to do. What can I do? Call crisis? They can’t help, I’m too entrenched for half an hour with a stranger to make everything A-OK. How could I possibly explain everything that is wrong to yet ANOTHER person I don’t know? I don’t know if there is any help available for the chronically suicidal.
One thought on “Spiralling”
I know this doesn’t have much to do with this entry in your blog, but I thought it might be best in your most recent post. I’ve been reading through your blog and understand you’re working. But would you consider a job where you work in a public environment? I’m a very quiet person and find it difficult to talk to people, but I took a job up as a porter at a supermarket 2 years ago, and it’s helped me a great deal. I take trolley’s back to the front of the store, but I also get to say “Hi” and “Thanks” even if they’re just handing a trolley back to me. It’s helped me improve my confidence and it feels much easier to talk to people now. Somebody approached me today and rambled on for ages – I didn’t really say much – just listened most of the time. But it really has helped me.
Or what about volunteering for the Wildlife Trusts or something like that? That’d be a great place to meet people, and you’d be working outdoors a lot too.
I hope your session with your therapist went OK.:)