I gave up on my plan last week, I was too scared to go through with it and be discovered. I need time alone to make it work. Some people tried to talk me out of it and I felt so guilty that they care about such a useless person as me. I don’t know why I should bother hanging around this shitty world, in this shitty life. I’m beginning to think I’m incapable of being happy, the only time the pain relents is for a matter of hours and then it’s back again.

Why should I want to live? Everyone would seriously be better off without me. The same could probably be said of a lot of people, but I don’t want to be here. I wish I could give my opportunities and resources to someone else who deserves them. I’m sick of myself and how weak and pathetic I am. Nothing can change, the damage has been done and I’ve fucked up everything. I threw away a life, I can’t deal with the consequences.


10 thoughts on “Hate

  1. Christine

    I know what it’s like to have social anxiety disorder have those same exact suicidal thoughts. And I know that you really do not want to believe these things you’re saying about yourself, even though it feels true for you right now.

    These are the things that helped me when I was depressed and/or suicidal:

    1) Realize that those negative thoughts are not actually true, but are caused by a malfunction of your BRAIN.

    2) What you are thinking and feeling feel very true to you right now at this moment. Therefore realize that it will be impossible to jump from feeling sucked under an ocean of dread to instantly feeling fantastic.

    3) If the depression is really bad, just relax into the moment. Don’t *try* to do anything to make things better because that sometimes puts too much pressure on an already overloaded brain. During my worst moments, watching tv was often the best therapy because it kept me from thinking. And during a very severe depression your brain really does need a break from all that thinking (as well as all those lies it’s trying to make you believe).

    4) Recognize times when you do start to feel better. But also know that feeling better from depression is like going 2 steps forward and then 1 step back. That is why you start to feel better and then feel bad again. It used to happen to me all the time, and it’s all part of the process.

    5) Be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself often. And most important: LOVE that part of you that is depressed. Just do your best to send love to it, like you would a child, even if you feel like you’re not doing it right.

    6) Eventually, you will need to replace the LIES that your brain is telling you with more positive thoughts. I’ve found “cognitive therapy” techniques helpful, as found in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. You don’t necessarily need to go to a therapist to learn these techniques. But you do need to be diligent in applying them.

    I still use these techniques because I still get depressed sometimes, but the episodes are not nearly as severe as they used to be. My last episode was a few months ago. I can also relate to everything you said in your post. Depression makes you feel like a weak and unworthy person. It’s one of the lies your brain tries to make you believe.

    As for college, when I was 24 I was still going part-time to community college. I dropped out a couple times and didn’t complete my degree until I was 34. But then I really focused on what I wanted to do and I just completed my masters degree last December. You never know where life will take you!

    But a degree doesn’t mean crap. It’s just a societal expectation. Something society expects in order to make more money. Your happiness is worth so much more than a stupid degree. Make your happiness your first priority!

    It is possible to be happier! Definitely.

    Sorry this is so long, and maybe this is unwanted advice, but your post really speaks to me. It is exactly how I felt when I was your age. Please feel free to email me, I would be more than happy to talk to you. I’ve found books and techniques that helped me overcome depression and social anxiety and I’d be happy to share them with you.


  2. No advice is unwanted by me, thank you Christine, I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this. I’d like to believe it, but I’m sure you know how far away happiness can seem when you feel like this. I am pretty tired now and should probably go to bed but I will email you tomorrow, thanks 🙂


  3. Shari

    All I can say is this: My son, also named Nick, took his life in May this year after suffering much of what you are suffering. I found him. It was the singlemost horrible moment of my life. He was 25. Our (his family) lives since have been a living nightmare. I miss him so much, the pain is nearly, sometimes completely, unbearable. Sometimes it occurs to me that perhaps this is how he felt. If so, I wish I had known and could have just held him and helped him through the whole ordeal. We had no idea it was so severe. He did not tell us. But I so long to have him back, to tell him how much we all loved him. I would like to think his death could possibly help someone else somehow. I googled his name today and found you. Please know someone out there DOES care about you and does not want to lose you from their life. That includes me, although I do not know you. That may seems silly to you, but please understand how much you are wanted to remain here by people who DO care about you. I just read so much pain in your writings,(I did not read them all yet, I felt compelled to write to you first) but please go to someone today (a parent, sibling, medical professional etc) and please tell them all you have posted here. I hope to come back here again or hear from you and hear you are okay. Please help yourself, be strong (you have made it this far, something in you does want to live) and also let my Nick’s death mean something good came from it. In a way, if you can live through this, you can also help someone here on this earth deal with the loss of her son a bit better. You WILL be happier someday if you can please go get the help you need by letting someone who can help you know what utter pain you are in. I will be here, keeping you in my thoughts. Please stay strong. I care.


  4. DH

    Gosh Nick, I am sorry you are feeling so terrible but please don’t give up. I’ve felt severely depressed and suicidal for years on end but by some miracle survived it and on average am not nearly so bad these days, although the lengthy duration of the depression has left a legacy. I think you’ve a lot of guts studying and working as you are as the light at the end of the tunnel, the recovery, may surprise you when it comes. Even sleeping for a few hours can provide temporary escape hopefully to survive these episodes you are battling.

    Best wishes to you


  5. Hannah

    Honestly I’m so glad you gave up on your plan before it was too late. I’m so so sorry you feel like this, I think I can guess a little bit of how you feel through my depression but I can’t understand the social anxiety side and I just wish that it could start getting a lot better but you were making some really good steps at uni this year. You have made massive steps forward even if you don’t see it. You haven’t fucked up everything, you said you passed your exams, that means you’re through first year and through a year of your degree, don’t you want to see that through? I really hope you do. I’m thinking of you though, I know how hard it can to talk to doctors but please try. Take care


  6. Ruby Tuesday

    I’m so sorry for being so rubbish at being here … I haven’t been feeling very useful recently.

    You deserve all your opportunities and resources. I’m sorry that things have become so difficult again.

    Please take care x


  7. @Shari
    I am so sorry to hear you lost your son 😦 I don’t really know what to say that could possibly offer any comfort, I’m pretty useless. I don’t know if my parents would be so upset as you, they seem more involved with their own problems and I’ve told my mum about my feelings before but she can’t help and doesn’t see why I feel the way I do about myself. I guess it’s natural for parents to want to ignore flaws in their children. I wish I could promise not to do anything but I can’t, I don’t want to lie on here. I’m really sorry for your loss and I hope you can find some relief from the suffering.

    Thank you, but I don’t really see any light at the end of the tunnel. It’s more like a hole that I dig myself into deeper and deeper each day. Every day that goes by is another day wasted and another day closer to being old and alone.

    I think we have both felt this pain before Hannah 😦 I can tell from your writings that you understand how it feels. I don’t feel like I’m moving forward, just treading water. Eventually I’m going to have to go out into the real world, unprepared in so many ways because I just don’t know how to be around people, and I can’t deal with the harshness that’s out there. I can only hide away for so long, I don’t think I can cope with that looming over me for much longer.

    I have a psych appointment tomorrow, he know’s I’ve been feeling suicidal but I told the CBT guy that I could resist those feelings (and I guess I have, so far..) I don’t think I can tell him in great detail and to what extent I started down the path. I’m worried that I will do it again this weekend while I’m alone. I’m not worried for my own life, it means little to me, but I’m worried about how much embarrassment and trouble I’ll cause.

    @Ruby Tuesday
    Ruby, you aren’t rubbish I promise. You have your own life and things to deal with, I am very grateful that you think about me, I seriously don’t know why anyone cares to be honest. I don’t deserve anything, people would give their right arm for what I have and I’m ready to throw it all away because I’m so useless at being a human being.


  8. I lost a friend who thought his life meant nothing to anyone else. He always said the world would be better without him. Liar.

    I wish he could have seen his funeral and the events that unfolded after he so selfishly took his own life. Not only did everyone who knew him completely mourn his passing, but it had tremendous aftershocks throughout our community. Although he always felt on the outside, others had a different view of him. His pain ended up being multiplied. His ex girlfriend, his little brother both took their own lives. Someone he never considered a friend (who thought he was her best friend) attempted to take her own life and has been dealing with liver failure and low-level brain damage since. Of course it didn’t stop there. Two friends of his little brother also committed suicide after the loss of their young friend. Each of those lives impacted everyone they touched. It doesn’t stop and it doesn’t solve anything. It just makes everything worse for everyone. I have and numerous others have received counseling for years over it and still have to deal with the grief and pain of the loss as well as blaming ourselves.

    He thought everyone and everything would be better off without him, too. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Here’s to the painful adventure that life provides.


  9. @Erik
    I’m sorry you lost your friend but the situation is very different. First of all I don’t have any friends or ex girlfriends. Everyone would be better off without me because I provide nothing positive, all I do is take. Take up people’s time and money, take up people’s sympathy when I am not deserving of it, take up valuable health care resources which I haven’t paid for and thousands of other people need. Honestly, there will probably only be 4 or 5 people who will even notice I am gone.

    I fucking hate the painful ‘adventure’ that life provides. Maybe it’s better if you ever get to experience something that is pleasurable or makes any of that pain worthwhile but I have absolutely no idea why a lifetime of pain is preferable to non-existence.


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