Messed up


My mood and general feelings have been all over the place this weekend. I finished venlafaxine/effexor for good on Wednesday night and I honestly felt much better to be off the damn stuff. On Friday and Saturday night though, I began to feel energised and restless but not in an entirely unpleasant way. I’m not used to having energy and wanting to leap out of my chair and up and down the stairs, I even went into town on a Saturday to buy a few things, something which I never normally do.

Being on such a high (225mg) dose of effexor wasn’t doing me much good, in my layman’s opinion. Last night I started the first of my 2 week supply of seroxat, but not without a struggle. I went to purchase them on Thursday from Boots, where I always go when I’m in Nottingham but even though the script was only for 2 weeks worth and they had to cut a blister pack up and repackage the pills for me, they somehow ended up giving me prozac instead. The pharmacist did not notice this either and signed off on it, leaving me to discover their mistake on Saturday morning. It’s a good job I checked and I don’t just unquestioningly swallow everything they hand over, being on 3 ADs in 2 weeks wouldn’t have been much fun, I imagine.

I went back and caused a minor panic there, the manager even came out and took me to one side to apologise and assured me they would do an investigation into how it happened. I hope no-one gets into trouble, after all I am ok.

Nothing to report about the new meds yet, I still feel reasonably ok for now but things still lurk in the back of my mind, as I fear they always will.


4 thoughts on “Messed up

  1. Cheers Hannah, I’m not too bad atm actually. Yeah I was pretty shocked too when I thought about it more. It could have been life threatening if it’d happened to someone else :S


  2. Regina

    I know what I’m about to say may sound weird, and you’ve probably gotten this from a handful of other like-minded people, but I just had to tell you this.

    For 23 years of my life, I’ve never been at peace with myself. My brain activity goes on 24/7, replaying past negative memories (as far back as kindergarten) in my head, haunting me with the same amount of embarrassment and regrets that I felt during the past moments. I can’t go out without my black, thick-rimmed glasses, blasting mp3 player and a book so that my hearing and vision are blocked from whichever surrounding that I’m in. A mere eye-contact with a stranger ignites the catalyst in my brain and starts off a tumultuous rampage of insecurities that sends my hands clenching, and inflicts temporal dyslexia when trying to reabsorb myself into the pages of the defense mechanism I was holding. 11 out of 10 people goes “huh?” when I’m speaking (esp. strangers) cause’ I’m as audible as the shyest mouse that scurried across my feet. I cannot focus most of the time and I’m so incoherent that my essays do not flow. I am still in school although I’m 23 this year, where most of my peers are starting to work, because I had to repeat a year in secondary school and took a year off afterwards all because of depression. I was warded into the psychiatric ward in a local hospital for 2 weeks after not speaking/eating/leaving my bed for 2 weeks. I had another “blank” just a second ago and I forgot what I was going to say. My memory is failing me even though I’m still in my twenties. It’s 758AM here, I didn’t/couldn’t sleep the night before because the engine in my head has gone turbo again. I couldn’t stand it so I flipped open my laptop, googled my condition and found your blog after clicking on a link. And a sudden breeze of “tranquility” just filled my head for a brief, yet distinctive moment.

    There are many people with depressions in this world, but I’ve yet to meet someone who could depict my life story better than I do.

    It’s like the monochrome-me, finally seeing another monochrome-being for the first time, after getting stuck in a polychrome world for 23 painful and lonely years.

    Thank you.


  3. Hi Regina, thank you so much for your message. I’m really sorry to hear how bad things are for you, a lot of what you said is very familiar to me, I speak too quietly as well and when I do get the nerve to say things, I often get ignored or people don’t understand.

    If you ever want to talk, you can send me an email if you like. It’s nick(at)

    Hope you are feeling ok today


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