I can’t think of a good title. Stupid as I am, I forgot to take my mess last night so woke up this morning feeling like crap. Vaguely unsettling hungover like feeling, dull headache and I have no energy at all.

The damn crisis team phoned me on the train and talked me into having another home visit on Monday. I don’t really see the point, I don’t like or feel comfortable with them so I can’t tell them anything relevant or new. I just want to get them out of there as quick as possible.

There isn’t anything they can do. My problems are too long term and deeply ingrained to be solved in a 30 minute form-filling session.

My brain is fried today. It’s taken me about half an hour to write this rubbish. Coming off venlafaxine is going to screw me up badly. I’m supposed to be down to 75 this week but I don’t know if I can do it. Suicidal thoughts are constantly swirling around my head. They are chronic, not acute (if I may use a probably misinterpreted medical phrasing) and there is going to be no easy way to stop them.

I’m going to have to wait ages for cbt and I probably won’t even be in Lincoln by the time it starts so moving places will have been pointless. I just hope for my families sake that I can keep on treading water for a while longer.


3 thoughts on “Ugh

  1. Ben

    I just left a long comment but it didn’t save so I’m going to write another quickie

    I also struggle with social phobia. Don’t forget that learning social skills is like anything – it takes time and experience, and you can only learn in small chunks. Doing small things like cleaning your place from top to bottom or going for a jog can lift your mood (and are easy to do). When your mood is lifted and you go outside, it’s so much easier to raise a smile or interact with someone.

    I know how crushing isolation can be, and what a trial it can be to be the guy who sits at a table and says nothing. It increases the pressure on every word you say, the longer you sit there. In my case, I’m in the position where I don’t DO very much, on weekends for example, because I don’t have many friends. That makes conversation itself harder. I need to do more activities. But it’s hard to know what to do.

    Stay busy if you can

    Go for a jog


  2. Post Glum

    Hi Nick,

    Sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having with getting the CBT, expecially after you were feeling so positive about it. As others have already said, it’s not your fault, it’s the system’s fault and you deserve better.

    Keep doing your best and try to have faith that you can get better. Both my brother and I have had mental health problems at various times over the years and I can realate to the feeling you describe; the feeling that things won’t improve. In fact, they often do, though I understand that sometimes that’s difficult to believe. I’ve been off medication for a few years now and after a very bad patch last year, my brother is doing really well. He’s on medication,his social phobia is under control, he’s back at work and socialisng more. He simply wouldn’t have believed this was possible a year ago. He’s been through this process several times now and has slowly managed to get back on his feet each time.

    I’ve written to you before about my experience of coming off venlafaxine. I didn’t find the drop down from 150 to 75 too bad because I tried to plan for it and to make sure I had a few easy days immediately after the reduction, without too much work or stress. Accepting that I had to take extra care of myself during those days and not expecting too much of myself helped. Why don’t you ask your doctor if it would be better drop down to the 37.5 tablet version after you’re down to 75mg? It might make it all a bit easier to deal with. I switched from the extended-release version to the tablet version and was then able to further slow the process down by cutting them up.

    I hope you’re ok and sorry for writing an essay!!

    Take care, PG


  3. Sorry Ben, the spam filter was being a bit over zealous. I got both your comments though and they should be visible now, thank you. I feel wrecked at the moment so can’t write a massive reply but I want to thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

    I know exactly what you mean about pressure building the longer you stay quiet. It reminds me of that old quote that’s often attributed to Plato (but may be one of many misattributed (is that a word?) ones) “Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something”. Sometimes when you are quiet people expect that when you do speak, it’s going to be something brilliant but I sound like a complete moron whenever I open my mouth.

    PG: No need to apologise! Thank you for commenting. I’m not really doing my best any more, there isn’t a lot of point. It’s a tremendous effort and has gotten me nowhere. I might ask my doctor about 37.5mg dose, the psych seems to be against it for some reason though. I still haven’t gone down to 75, after feeling how I have over this weekend just from missing one dose, I don’t think I can hack it.


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