I’m weak. I know I shouldn’t have done it but I ordered the pills. Not entirely sure when it became a question of “when” rather than “if” but I feel like I need them with me. They’d probably consider me very ill if they knew how much research I’d done into such a morbid and destructive topic.


4 thoughts on “Weakness

  1. I’ve been there, I’ve researched all that horrible stuff…it’s not a nice way to go, in fact it’s supposed to be very painful…
    I hope you don’t go through with anything x

    Sometimes, recovering alcoholics keep a can of beer (or babysham :P, whatever) in thir fridge at all times, because they won’t be tempted to drink it as they know it’s there (the theory goes something like that).

    I used to keep razorblades in my room when I was recovering from self-harm…because I knew that I could use them if I wanted to, I didn’t…unfortunately this method to stop self-destructive behaviour doesn’t seem to work with chocolate 😛

    So, just because you have those pills, doesn’t mean to say you have to use them!

    Stay safe and take care x


  2. Nick

    Thanks, I suppose it’d be best if I didn’t use them but I don’t know if I can stop myself.

    I wouldnt OD on paracetamol or anything painful though, I have 100 amitriptyline tablets on their way 😦


  3. Nick please don’t do anything. I know doctors can be entirely useless but try and talk to someone, your GP or your CBT person. And it’s not that you’re weak, you’re going through something awful and you have been for a long time. Look after yourself.


  4. Nick

    I appreciate the sentiment but there’s really no point. It’s not like they can do anything other than throw more useless pills at me or lock me away somewhere and make me miss my work and make me feel even worse. I don’t want them to help me anyway, what’s the point? What reason is there for me to live? Nothing I’ve ever experienced has made up for feeling so utterly shit. Always alone and unloved, I can’t take much more of it. I can’t survive alone, it’s driving me insane. I seethe with jealousy at everyone.

    I don’t have them yet, if I did then I feel like downing the lot right now.


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