I often wonder if being isolated so much can make you go crazy. Some weeks I barely open my mouth to speak, I’ve been in the single digit words a day many times. It’s easy for me to do, I don’t have any friends on my course so nobody says anything to me before or during classes, most of the time when I’m at the flat I just stay in my room. It’s not like anyone misses me… Sometimes when I get home and see my mum or sister, I talk uncontrollably like I have piles of words built up inside that I need to let out. None of that stuff is things that would be of interest to anyone else though, it’s not just a matter of me being uncomfortable around people at uni, I genuinely have no idea what to talk about with them.
I used to get the same thing at work. I’d go in at 1.30 and say hello, then other than answering any phone calls (which I completely detested) I’d be silent until 10.00 when I got picked up, then I’d come home and babble my head off for a while. I honestly think that I would have gone nuts if I didn’t have the internet to make some connection with the outside world. I’ve no idea how people like me got on in the past, they were probably taken away to a padded cell somewhere.
Today hasn’t been too bad apart from the overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation. When I was on the train yesterday I overheard a conversation which hammered home just how pathetic and hopeless I am. It wasn’t anything nasty or cruel, I just can’t come to terms with how I am the complete opposite of what people want in a friend and especially a partner. I got thinking about how I’m coming up on a quarter of a century of being alone, it’s extremely doubtful things will change now. I bet if you ask most people, they had a boy/girlfriend when they were teenagers, no matter how silly that seems to them now, it’s still more serious than I’ve ever had. I looked up a poll on a large student forum in the UK and 80% of people had their first kiss before they were 18, 90% before they were 19. It’s rather depressing knowing that I’m in at least the 90th percentile of disgusting, repulsive people in the country.
I know that I shouldn’t worry about, that this is the last thing that should be on my mind and that getting worked up about my lack of a relationship is a little like getting worked up over a paper cut when you just lost a leg, but I can’t help it. Even if there was someone who could accept my horrendous appearance, I’ve got a long way to go before I’m not crazy any more. After all, if I hate myself and constantly wish myself dead then I don’t know how I can reasonably expect anyone else to like me 😦
Oh well, here’s a couple of photos that I took today. It’s a steep walk up to the cathedral and I was tired out by the time I got to the top.
4 thoughts on “Solitary Confinement”
Nice pics again, at least you are getting out of the house. I seem to be indoors a lot recently. Do you ever phone your family to get those words out that you feel you need to? I completely agree with you about the internet, it is where I talk to people the most these days too.
Thank you, I was quite pleased with how they came out.
No, I don’t phone my family, I find it quite tiring having to keep up the pretence that I’m happy and “OK”. I can’t explain these things well enough to them, I’ve tried before but they don’t know what to say, or just come out with some rubbish about how there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s all in my head. I know it must be hard for them, and they probably don’t want to admit that they have such a failure of a son 😦
I like Lincoln that hill is a killer. Hoping you are doing ok there and that your mental health team will sort out a care co-ordinator for you or at least assess whther you need one.
Heh yeah I had to sit on a bench for a while once I got to the top. Thanks Lareve, I know shockingly little about what my situation is with the mental health team (that term has never even been said to me). I’m seeing my GP this week hopefully so I am going to ask them. Of course it makes things harder because I’m living in 2 places :S