I’ve slipped back into old ways again. Since I’ve been back here since Christmas, I’ve only managed to make dinner in the kitchen once and that was when I knew no-one was in. I’m too scared to be around those loud people I don’t know. They scare me, I actually feel fear when I hear raucous laughter and conversations. I’m tired of letting this rule me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been spending far too much money on sandwiches and drinks in town so I don’t have face them all. I worry about stupid things, like what food I buy and whether they’d laugh when they see what’s in my cupboard or think I’m weird or something. It’s hard to describe, but it’s the fear that people will have some undefinable negative feeling towards me that I experienced so many times in school, sixth form and the first uni I went to. I’ve had everything from my laugh to the way I walk picked on and criticised and it’s made me paranoid to do anything in public view. I worry about the most mundane things that people usually never give a second thought to.
One positive thing is that I might be able to see a different psychiatrist next time. I had to get my mum to phone because I was too afraid to do it myself, but my appointment with the creepy guy has been cancelled and I’m waiting to hear back about seeing a different doctor.
Also my CBT appointment has finally come through. I knew over a year ago that CBT was my best shot at getting better but it’s taken this long of jumping through hoops to get them to agree and set a date. I had to fill a CORE form in (don’t know if anyone’s done this before) which has several statements presumably to gauge how depressed you are and you tick boxes from “not at all” to “most or all of the time”. I’m a bit worried about what they might think because I filled this in honestly, and I really do think about killing myself every day and all that… There was also a longer form where I got to describe what my problem is, how it affects my life and what may have triggered it in the past. This is the first time that I will have been able to fully express these things, the first time I wrote things down for my GP, he refused to read it and made me explain to him, which I struggle greatly with. I’m just hoping that they won’t dismiss me as unsuitable for it because of suicidal and depressed I am. I shall find out on the 2nd of February.