Before she left, I asked my psychiatrist what I should do when I feel like this. Like nothing can help me and all I want is an end to it all. I’ve got the number for the crisis team but seeing as how one of the main problems I have with my SA is a fear of making phone calls (even simple things like ordering a pizza are out of the question and when I’m forced into making one, it takes me a long time to psych myself up enough to do it and I spend hours obsessing over how foolish I must have sounded afterwards) I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t lay bare my dismal view of myself and how bad the future seems, knowing what a privileged life I have. I’m not beaten up by my parents, I have a roof over my head. What business do I have being this depressed?
I talk to some people that I know online, but I don’t want to burden them with the full extent of my suicidal mood. If I had the pills right now, I’d be taking them. There’s no way I can scare my mum by talking to her. She almost had a fit and made me come back from university the last time the subject was even mentioned.
There’s a big link between social anxiety/phobia and depression, it’s easy to become depressed when you have no contact with other humans, and it’s even easier to lose hope when it seems you have no-one to help you when times are hard. I’m not even sure I want to be helped though, I just want an escape.
The Social Phobic 
Given the amount of people that suffer from phobias in the world it’s surprising there are not more places online to offer help and advice but there is help to be found at Ofear The Fear & Phobia Forum You will find people from all over the world giving helpful advice as well as specialists from hypnotherapists, psychotherapists and mental health nurses offering their expert knowledge about phobias.
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Not really sure what to write. Just most of my time seems to be spent in a dark room of which the door is not locked. The only person keeping me here is me. It will probably Monday now before I will have any contact or indeed any form of conversation with anyone. Yes it’s the W/end, oh joy. I have tried to ‘fit in’ with this society. I find myself asking the same question. What do people see when they really look at me? I must really come across as some sort of mutant. I too wonder, is death as lonely? If so then the choice will be easy. Babylon in all its desolation is a sight not so awful as that of the human mind in ruins
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