for the worse. I actually felt quite good yesterday and today, I was beginning to feel a tiny bit more confident about university and life in general but as usual it has lasted. I have come crashing down again, I just wrote a desperate email to an online friend of mine, one of the only people who understands me, asking her to email me back. It’s hard when the person you want to talk to more than anyone in the world has avoidant personality and extreme SA 😦 I am in tears at the moment, I can’t stand myself any more. I want to die. Even when I am happy, there is an underlying disappointment that those moods are just holding me back from my biggest desire, to simply not suffer existence any more. Maybe I can last the 3 days before I see the psychiatrist, I don’t know how much help they can be in 1 hour though. I feel like I need a good talking to every day to stop me slipping into these horribly desperate moods.
I’ve already made preparations for my departure. There are several notes for each of the few people I have been able to talk to over the last, empty part of my life. Evidence from my computers has been securely destroyed, I just need to get rid of some burned DVDs.