I’ve managed to distract myself from the bad thoughts for a while over the past few days by working on the website that I said I’d do for my mum’s boyfriend. I actually enjoyed myself for the first time in a while, I used to be really into computers and spend hours reading things and messing about with technology but since I became severely depressed I haven’t really cared about anything. In one way, I hope that my university course (if I get there) will help me to focus and regain my interest, that’s what I intend to do for a living after all. I still have the lingering doubts though. I’ve tried looking up some people on facebook who are starting at the same time as me to attempt to make some contacts before I go, but everything I read from them just makes me feel hopelessly inadequate and worthless. No-one will ever want to be friends with me, I don’t want to get “fukkin recked” or drink for 24 hours which is what everyone else will be doing.

I just don’t belong with anyone, every group and society is based around getting drunk, even more so than the intended purpose from what I’ve heard and seen so far. There doesn’t seem to be much point in even trying to talk to people, I just can’t relate to anyone. I can’t change so drastically enough to be considered normal, or at least acceptably weird.

Is life worth living if you’re always going to be alone, despised, or at best ignored? I’m getting pretty tired of it really, 23 years is a long time. It’s hard enough to know that I’m far too hideous and boring to ever be loved, but I don’t know if a lifetime of friendlessness will be worth bearing.


6 thoughts on “Distractions

  1. uncensoredmind

    glad to hear uve found something u enjoy to occupy your time. i hope u keep at it and rebuild ur confidence and love of technology.

    you need to find something positive about urself and build on it until u like and eventually love urself. it doesnt have to be a big thing … find something and build on it. you cant hope to find love if u dont think you deserve that love. so uve got to love urself … then all the other friendship stuff wont be so hard.

    keep on trying to be better .. one not so bad day at a time


  2. wickedmouth

    I’m glad to read you enjoyed yourself for the first time in awhile! Good first step.

    You continuously mention that EVERYONE drinks. You must know this is the furthest thing from the truth. Move into and explore different circles and you’ll find you’re not alone.

    You also continuously mention how “hideous” you are. Calm your self loathing friend. Put the people who say those things at bay and rebuild your confidence.

    What do you think is so “hideous” about your features. Start there since that is so obviously a repeating source of pain and contention in your life.


  3. I would post a picture and then it would be obvious, but I want to keep this blog reasonably anonymous. There isn’t anything that is not hideous about my appearance.


  4. Mina

    I just wanted to say that I started university last year and I really don’t like the whole going out, drinking, shouting and vomiting thing, so I was quite worried about that before going. When I actually got there though, I found a lot of people who thought the same as me and stayed in chatting or watching films in each other’s rooms etc.

    It is not true that everyone else will be getting “fukkin recked”, there are all sorts of people there and I really hope that you meet people that you get on with and can be friends with. 🙂


  5. I have friends who are at university who aren’t into the whole getting wrecked thing either, and they do just fine.

    Obviously I haven’t seen you, so I can’t comment on how attractive you may or may not be, but remember, a lot of people have a far more negative view of themselves than other people have of them. Whilst you think you are hideous, most people in the street would probably just see you as another regular guy. One challenge my therapist gave me, which I’m passing over to you, is to say one nice thing about yourself every day. Try it.

    Anyway, you’re a nice guy, and I really do think that it’s personality that wins people over when it comes down to it, so
    try not to worry too much



  6. Thank you Mina, I hope I am lucky enough to find some like minded people.

    It is not true that everyone else will be getting “fukkin recked”, there are all sorts of people there and I really hope that you meet people that you get on with and can be friends with.

    Me too, that was just a quote that I saw on FB btw heh.


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