Last week I finally got a letter from the psychiatrists telling my when my appointment would be; the 26th of September. That meant I would have to get the train back here for 9:30am on the Friday of my first week at university. Luckily I managed to get my mum to phone up and they could fit me in earlier on the 6th so I will be able to go before I leave for uni and before I have my last appointment with the mental health practitioner. I’m not entirely sure what will come of it, but I am hoping that possibly changing my medication might give me some relief from the crushing lows I’ve had recently and hopefully they’ll agree with the psych I saw at the hospital and give me some diazepam to use as needed. I could really do with some for when I start uni.
We had some bad news this evening, my mum’s boyfriend, K, phoned and told her that his daughters boyfriend, whom she met in Africa, has committed suicide by shooting himself. I felt terribly uneasy when she was talking about it, I’m not entirely sure that she realised how very close I was to ending my own life last Saturday, if she hadn’t returned home then there was a very high chance that I would have done it. For some reason she seemed much more upset about this person who she has never met than she did about me. I’m a horrible person for thinking this, but I can’t help feel a bit concerned about that. I have no idea about the circumstances surrounding his death, I’ve never meet him or K’s daughter, but I felt a bit hurt after my mum was going on about how tragic it was when she seemed to be ok after a quick 10 minute chat with me.
The Social Phobic 
You Mum was going on about the guy she didn’t know because she instinctively knows you are in the same danger. She is projecting her concern about you onto him.
LikeLike
yeah, i dont think she was overlooking you. i think as a parent she was hurt … hurt for a child … hurt for her own children … hurt for her friend. if ur mom lost ur im pretty sure she couldnt be able to project how she’s really feel.
good luck with ur appointment … hope u excited about the chance for a new start at uni
LikeLike
Nick – I have lived with Panic attacks and a severe form of BiPolar for many years and as someone who has actually been committed in a psych. unit twice for mental issues I will say without a doubt I know exactly how you feel…and I’m only 28. The feelings of bitterness, guilt, abandonment. People not understanding. Doctors not understanding. I get this all. The medication, the ups and downs.
There comes a point, however, when you have to simply stop focusing on all the points of your life that have turned you into what you despise and begin to piece together the person you want to be. It begins by letting the past go. Letting the anger go. Looking at the cards you’ve been dealt and playing the best game you can with them. It takes small steps at first but let your first steps be POSITIVE steps, and soon you will find yourself capable to make larger steps.
Good advise here. The doctors can give you medication, but it takes a combination of a lot of hard mental work as well to heal yourself and your mind. I would love to see at least one positive written experience in your blog each day. It takes practice to let go of anxiety when it becomes a security blanket. *hug
LikeLike
Wickedmouth,
Your comment here makes the internet worth it. You have posted a heartfelt, wise, empathetic, and useful response. I admire you.
LikeLike
Thanks Manupmen! I’d like to think the internet could be used for good sometimes! Plus this stuff is hard to beat alone. Strength in numbers.
LikeLike
Wickedmouth, I hereby rename you Blessedmouth. You gave me the very strength I needed today.
LikeLike
haha! I’m glad!
LikeLike
What out for the troll.
Hope you’re okay Nick. Glad you got the appointment moved forward. Take care and you know I’m only on the other end of the phone x
LikeLike
eccedentesiast means… “watch out for the troll…”
keep in mind that misery loves company….surround yourself with people who have walked in your shoes but who are taking steps to try and dig themselves out of it….strength in numbers Nick. Keep positive people close.
LikeLike
Ha I did.. my brain is appalling right now. Apologies. Take care x
LikeLike
my brain as well….that’s the problem isn’t it. 🙂
LikeLike
Wicked, good advice about seeking people who are taking steps regarding their condition! Too many just hang out together and complain.
LikeLike