Feeling Inferior

I recently found out what apartment I’ll be staying in at university and through facebook, one of the people I’ll be sharing a kitchen with. Already I have started feeling hugely inferior and worthless. Just a quick glance at her page, full of pictures of her with friends on nights out, was enough to start me off feeling worthless. I can’t help but think what a huge let down it must be to discover that I am your new room mate. Even on my profile page I sound tremendously boring, I only have one photo of myself with another person. My interests are dull, I only have pity friends. It’s strange, the thing that makes me feel worst of all is how disappointing I will be to the other people I live with. I feel sorry for them for getting stuck with the freakish looking loner.

It’s only 2 weeks now until I move in there, I don’t know if I can do it. I tried to make myself forget about the bad things, but I just can’t put out of my mind how much of a huge step this is going to be. I haven’t even put much thought into how hard the work itself is going to be. I’ll have some time in the house on my own over the next couple of weeks since my mum will be back at work; I don’t know whether there will be anything to stop me this time if I decide to take the other way out.

Sticks and Stones

The old adage “sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you”, simply is not true, according to researchers.
Psychologists found memories of painful emotional experiences linger far longer than those involving physical pain.

From BBC News

Well that doesn’t really surprise me. I haven’t had many painful injuries myself, but the mental damage that happened to me over the past 10 years has had an extremely profound effect on me, so much that I’m now accused of being delusional about my negative qualities. I just can’t believe anything positive about myself, I see hidden motives and lies behind any compliments I receive. A lot of my SA stems from a horrible image I have of myself due to the psychological bullying at school and sixth form. I just can’t let go of it, no matter how many people tell me that I have changed or that what those bullies said wasn’t true. I think psychological bullying can be just as devastating as physical bullying.

Self hatred

A few thoughts that I posted on a forum recently:

As the title says (I genuinely hate myself), I honestly don’t like myself at all. I don’t feel like I deserve help and when my therapist suggests trying to fight back against my “internal critic” and simply cannot do that, because I don’t believe any other way of thinking is correct. Telling myself that I’m “OK” or that I am not weird would be like trying to tell myself that I am not a man, or that I don’t speak English.

I don’t want to help myself, I feel as though I deserve to be depressed because I am such a loser and so pathetic. Whenever people try to say positive things to me, my first reaction is hostility and then disagreement, as if they were complimenting my worst enemy. 

I’m not sure exactly what is wrong with me now, morbid thoughts are almost constantly on my mind and I don’t even try to stop them, in a strange indescribable way, I am glad that they are there.

…

If a person hated someone so much and thought they were a waste of resources and a drain on society, if they thought that the person was so pathetic and such a loser that the world would be much better without them that they wished they were dead. Would you think that the person is bad? Evil? 

What if the object of their hatred was them self?

Depression

Slightly modified version of a post I made on a forum today

I thought I’d been making some progress over the last few months. I’ve got close to my long term goal of going back to university after I dropped out a few years ago, I’ve been accepted and now I’ve just got to wait until the time comes and hope that I’m still feeling like I can manage it.

Despite this, over the last week I’ve been feeling awful and thinking a lot about suicide again I really don’t feel like I am going to be able to cope with the harsh realities of life. I have trouble even interacting with the understanding and kind social anxiety sufferers that I’ve met, there’s no hope for me dealing with the majority of people who are obnoxious and rude. I’m sick of feeling that no-one will ever like me (I have no real life friends) because of how utterly boring and uninteresting I am to 99.99999% of people. I know a lot of people with SA feel the same way, but I honestly think it is true in my case because I don’t enjoy things that most people consider fun and I can’t relate to the vast majority of people either. 

On top of this, and what I fear causes me to be most undesirable, even more than my horrendous social inadequacies, is the fact that my physical appearance is so disgusting to people. If I have to look in the mirror, I just see a monster, I don’t even look like a real person. To others, I appear like I have some kind of mental disability (I can’t think of an inoffensive way to describe what I mean) and people generally assume that I’m “retarded”. 

I’ve spoken to my therapist recently about my issues with my appearance, but I don’t think she understands the trouble that it causes me. I don’t appreciate being patronised by her pretending not to know what is plainly obviously wrong with the way I look There’s no way I can change it without extensive surgery but even that can’t change some of the horrible things about me. I’d also need some kind of acting lessons so I can behave in a way that doesn’t make people assume I’m functionally retarded.

I really don’t know how to get out of this massive depressive state I’m in at the moment I’ve not slept until 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning the past few days because I can’t stop thinking about how pathetic my life is and how much I wish I could just disappear without a trace. The only thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t want to hurt the few people who like me (i.e. my family who don’t have a choice).