How I got on

It didn’t go quite as badly as I feared. We were both quite quiet, I made as much effort to talk as I could but I got that horrible thing were my throat feels like it’s closing up and I can’t speak properly. I was kind of worried that she was bored stiff the entire time, there were long periods of silence when we were walking around (which we did a lot of, my legs are still aching now!) but my fears were slightly allayed when I got a text message saying that she had a nice time and needed a fun day out. She was lovely though and I’m glad we managed to meet up although I wish it had not been such a long day, I was mentally and physically exhausted by the time I got home.

Today I received a message from one of the SA forum members who lives in the same town and I previously met a couple of times asking me and asked if I wanted to go to a festival type thing tomorrow. I thought about saying no but then remembered all the many months where I did absolutely nothing and wished for the opportunity to break out of my isolated hermit-like existence and changed my mind. I’m hoping this will be slightly less stressful because we’ve met a couple of times before and of course are both in a similar situation with SA.

One thing that is particularly bothering me these days is the fact that I have to appear happy, or at least only slightly down but inside I have practically lost the will to live. When I was waiting at the bus stop in a bad part of town the other night, I suddenly started wondering what would happen if I was stabbed or shot. It seemed like a good way to go, it would save my parents and sister the shame of me doing it myself. Even though I had a mobile with me, I decided I wouldn’t try and call for help if that happened. Alas here I am, still.

Scared

Why oh why did I arrange to meet yet another new person? I’m so scared about this, I know the person in question from a social networking site and she doesn’t know that I have SA so this is much scarier to me than meeting other SA sufferers. We’re going to the Tate Modern and generally wandering around London so I’ll be on the train again tomorrow (definitely going to leave plenty of time to get back this time). I am severely doubting my ability to maintain the facade of being a normal, vaguely interesting person for an entire day. If I hadn’t already bought tickets then I’d have backed out of it but I’m committed now.

Ugh, time to dose myself up on sleeping pills and try to get some rest before the ordeal begins.

Had a Great Time

I didn’t back out! We had a very nice time in London, the film was saw was brilliant and although we were both quiet and somewhat nervous I think we got on well. It is quite strange to be with someone else who has SA and knows that you have it, it’s a big relief because you both know what the other person is going through and from the few SA sufferers that I’ve met, they seem to be very nice and understanding. It is also a little weird meeting someone in person for the first time when you have been talking on the internet for a long time. I’m too tired to write what I mean at the moment, hopefully I’ll write about it later.

Hopefully we’ll be able to meet up again, it’s a shame that we live so far apart because travelling makes me very tired. I only just managed to get my train back from London – I had to run! That was probably the most anxious I was the entire time, getting stuck somewhere is a big phobia of mine and even though I usually leave more than enough time to get back from places we got a bit lost and I only just made it. It was really hot and humid and because I ran, my face was sweating even more than usual (it happens when I’m anxious and makes me feel even worse) then I had to fight my way through people on the train and ask someone to move out of my reserved seat. Ugh.

Meeting People

I’m going into London tomorrow to meet a friend from the internet. We’ve been talking most days since last December and get on very well and she has SA too so it shouldn’t be too nerve wracking in theory, but I’m still getting quite anxious about it. The thing that keeps running through my head is that I’ll be so boring to spend time with and she’ll be wishing for the time to go quickly so she can escape I’ve told her that I’m worried about being boring and she reassured me that I won’t be, and that she feels the same way. I find that hard to take on board though, maybe it’s because of my low self esteem. Whenever I’m in any social situation, I always feel responsible for any lulls in the conversation or awkward moments, even though logically I know that it may not always be my fault, I simply cannot believe it in my heart of hearts.

Despite all this, I’m determined to go anyway (I’ve booked my tickets and everything now). Meeting up with my friend is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, I didn’t think I’d have the opportunity so I really want to take advantage of it. We’re going to watch The Dark Knight in Leicester Square which should be fun, and at least will give us another topic of conversation.