Reprieve

I managed to explain to my mum what happened, and after calling the student finance people I discovered that I’m not eligible for tuition loan because of my previous college course. Apparently even if I had not taken out a loan (which I had to do to pay for it) I still wouldn’t be eligible because of the subsidised fees back then. So they are retroactively punishing people for taking courses when there was more financial help available, great. 

Luckily for me, my mums boyfriend has offered to lend me the money for the first years worth of tuition so I can still go. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a job over next summer to pay for the second year. It’s hard to describe my feelings about this though. On one hand I’m hugely relieved because I was seriously feeling suicidal before when I thought I’d lost everything. I really can’t go on living how I am at the moment, so sheltered and constantly being subjected to snarky comments and discouragement about changing myself. On the other hand, I feel so guilty about taking that amount of money from someone, especially since I don’t really know him all that well (I’m too anxious to hold a proper conversation with him). 

I really want to thank him for his generosity but it’s so hard for me to talk seriously to people, I think I might write him a letter. Anyway, hopefully I’ve got over the arduous process of application by now, there shouldn’t be any more hurdles to overcome before I actually go there.

Things never go right

Well I didn’t get into my first choice of university but I did get offers from all the others. In the end I decided to go with Lincoln since it looks like a really nice place and the course sounds great. I had confirmed my place and sent off the accommodation form and everything when I was hit with a bombshell yesterday. Apparently I am not going to get any tuition fee loan because I’ve been on a higher education course before This is so frustrating, I don’t have that kind of money laying around, £3000 is a lot.

I was utterly distraught when I found this out, the horrible suicidal thoughts came rushing back, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t go back to uni. It’s taken me so long to feel as though I’m mentally ready and I had things all planned out and finally felt like there was something positive to look forward to and my life was not just a series of disappointments waiting to happen but now it’s all shattered.