How I got on

The appointment was surprisingly short, I spent most of the time there sitting around in a tiny waiting room trying to avoid catching peoples eye. The first doctor I saw was a junior psychiatrist, she asked me the usual questions that I’ve been asked many times before about my anxiety symptoms etc. I asked about diazepam but nothing came of it unfortunately. After talking about my suicidal feelings, she decided to discuss with the consultant and then asked me to come and talk to him. He was very intimidating, I felt like I was being interrogated. This just made me anxiety worse, I stumbled over words and my mind went blank several times but I think I managed to get my point across. There was a particularly painful moment when he asked if I had any close friends or girlfriend, to which I answered truthfully; no, and then he asked “Why not?”. My mind was overcome with all the hatred I have for myself and if I wasn’t so tongue tied with anxiety, I could probably have spent half an hour listing the many reasons why not. Eventually though I had to settle with “probably because I am so weird” which led to further questioning about why I think that, and of course why I think that I look weird which I couldn’t answer because I felt tears coming to my eyes. Thankfully he stopped the interrogation at that point and asked me to wait outside while he talked to the original doctor.

I went back to see her and apparently they are concerned about me, maybe it was the way I answered their questions because I was not feeling actively suicidal like I was the last time I saw my MHP who just sent me on my merry way. The outcome of it all is that I have got to have someone from the crisis team visit me at home today, which I didn’t really want but I couldn’t bring myself to argue with them about that. They also changed my medication to venlafaxine, an SNRI so hopefully that might make a slight difference though I am not expecting miracles.

I had hoped that I could relax slightly after the appointment was done but now I have to worry about this person coming round. Of course I had to tell my mum, but I didn’t say why they were coming exactly because I don’t want her to know how close I was to killing myself. She’s now gone on a mad cleaning spree that usually happens whenever we are expecting visitors. I just hope that she will give me some privacy because I don’t want her listening to me talk about such personal and potential hurtful things.

Psychiatrist Appointment Tomorrow

It’s here at last, I seem to have been waiting an eternity to see an actual psychiatrist. My appointment is tomorrow morning and the nerves had already set in a few days ago. I didn’t get more than 3 hours sleep last night, I was lying awake worrying until 4:30am, hopefully tonight will be a little better. That is actually something I want to talk to them about, my incredibly haphazard sleeping. One night I might only get a few hours, like yesterday, and sometimes I sleep in until 1 in the afternoon and can hardly stay awake during the day.

One thing I’m really hoping to get out of tomorrow is the opportunity to try some different meds. I’m coming up to one of the most stressful and difficult times in my life for a long time, leaving home and going to university. This seems like a valid situation where prescribing me some benzos would be useful. I don’t want to fall to pieces the first day I get there, I won’t have anyone to hold my hand and therapy is still a distant dream so it’d be nice to have some help. When I had the diazepam after my visit to A&E, it helped a lot to calm my shaking and racing heart/thoughts. I could really do with even a tiny supply of them to help get me through the most stressful few days.

I was always scared to ask about them before since I’d heard that they are almost impossible to get prescribed for social anxiety, but after seeing the psychiatrist at the hospital who recommended I could use them in the above scenario, I think I might grasp this chance and ask. One of my great fears is that they will think I am a drug seeker, when nothing could be further from the truth. I don’t smoke, take any illegal drugs or even drink for goodness sake, but it’s still a thought lingering in the back of my mind.

Goodness knows what will come of the appointment, I’m preparing myself for disappointment but also bearing in mind that it has taken months and months to get this arranged and I don’t want to miss my chance at possibly getting some help. I’m prepared to be honest with them and try my hardest to force the words out of my throat even though I know my body will make that as hard as possible.

I’ll report back after it’s all over.

Ugh

Feeling crappy at the moment. I went to the doctor today and she gave me a repeat prescription for my meds and when I mentioned to her about my insomnia, she told me to come back in a month if it’s still bothering me Oh well at least I have that out of the way, I was getting quite worried about going which I haven’t been the last couple of times.

Maybe this is childish of me but I can’t help feeling quite upset about something that happened with my internet friend (who I have met irl) SM. Apparently some random person who lives on her street asked her out and she’s decided to go and told me she’s excited about it, even though she doesn’t know anything about him. A while ago I confessed to her that I had feelings for her but she said we don’t know each other well enough for her to like me in that way Now I realise that I’m hardly a prize catch, but she has constantly reassured me that I am not ugly and all these bad things that I think about myself. I don’t want to be with her any more but hearing this and the fact that she told my sister about my suicidal feelings when I asked her not to has made me feel quite upset with her.

Doctor Visit

Went to the doctors this morning. I let my anxiety build up and didn’t try to stop it. My chest was very tight by the time I got in and I think Dr Ripley knew how bad I was. He said the test I completed last time showed that I had depression and mostly anxiety and he prescribed my citalopram which I have to take for 6 months. I was quite pleased about it, hopefully it will make me feel good enough to try and tackle the SA problem. I got the prescription filled myself after psyching myself up for it. Mum was ok about it, although I still feel like she doesn’t want me taking SSRIs. I took my first one after tea and I felt a bit weird about it. My lack of sleep and the massive anxiety I went through earlier probably had something to do with it but I felt light headed and a bit giddy.

First Doctors Appointment

After years of worrying and apprehension I finally made it to the doctors today to discuss my anxiety. I was extremely nervous and I had written down my problems as some people who have been through the same thing advised me to do because I was worried about how to talk about it. When I got in there though, he refused to read what I’d written and made me say what was wrong. I froze up and didn’t know how to say it, I feel embarrassed to say these things out loud and I don’t think I managed to get it across to him what I’ve been through.

He gave me a questionnaire to fill in and wrote down the phone number and website of a social anxiety support group and told me to come back in a month. When I got back home I tried the website but it no longer exists, I even tried phoning the number which is a big thing for me because I hate using phones so much but the number was not working either

I feel pretty down about the whole thing, like I’ve spent many years to get to this stage and now I feel like I’ve blown it and the Dr didn’t believe there was anything wrong because I couldn’t say how I feel. I kept worrying that he thought I was making things up to try and get benefits or something and that my problems aren’t important compared to people with physical illness.

I really don’t know what to do now *sigh*