Bystanders urge teenager to jump to his death

From the BBC

A police negotiator has told a Derby inquest how he tried to talk a teenager down from a car park while onlookers goaded him to jump.

Shaun Dykes, 17, from Kilburn, Derbyshire, died in a fall from the sixth-floor roof of the Westfield shopping centre in September 2008.

Det Insp Barry Thacker said shouts from the crowd below distracted them on a number of occasions.

Bystanders were yelling “jump” and “get on with it”, the inquest heard.

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At one point the negotiator stretched his arms out to Shaun to try to persuade him to come away from the ledge to talk things over.

But as Shaun bent down to take his hand, a voice from the crowd shouted: “You’re wasting taxpayers’ money,” the inquest was told. The teenager then pulled back from the officer, saying: “No, it’s gone too far.” A short time later he jumped, Mr Thacker said.

This pretty much confirms my view of most of humanity. I would seriously not be surprised if they took videos of it on their phones and posted it on Youtube. Sounds good for a laugh.

I will make sure no-one sees me if I go that way.

Suffering in silence

I wish I could put an end to it but there seems to be only one way to do that for sure I no longer believe there is any way that I can be helped, no drugs or lying to me under the guide of therapy will stop me from being such a loathsome individual. On one hand I feel like going out there right now and putting and end to everything but I don’t really want to put my family through that. I don’t know how much longer that will hold me back from doing it though.

If only I had a friend I could talk to, I might feel maybe a tiny bit better but I have no-one. There’s not a single person in the world I could call up and speak to. I’m a pathetic loner and have been ever since I became a teenager and people moved beyond the stage of being friends with whoever their parents made them play with. No-one in control of their minds wants anything to do with me, and I can’t say I blame them. I can’t ring the crisis team because I’m utterly terrified. I’d sooner leap to my death than make that call, that’s how bad I am. I can’t go through the agony of explaining why I feel the way I do, and that a lifetime of rejection and years of loneliness, torment and near constant depression are making me want to kill myself, and not appearing like a kid who is saying “nobody likes me”. It’s too hard for me to explain and I don’t know what the hell they can do anyway. I don’t want them coming around here and setting my mum off into tears again, she’ll never let me out of sight again. If I’m forced out of uni then my reason for living is over, that’s it.

I wish I could stop the pain, unfortunately I don’t think it will ever cease.

No daylight

I don’t know where the last week went. I didn’t see daylight between Tuesday and Friday, I couldn’t face the world so I dosed up and slept throughout the days and was kept awake by the sound of people enjoying themselves through the nights. I managed to hand the one piece of work I had to do over Christmas in luckily. I’ve returned to the old ways of counting every hour I have left in my safe bubble away from the staring faces and malicious laughter, away from the passive taunting of what could have been if only I wasn’t such a tremendous fuck up and so god damn hideous. The old me is slowly returning, no desire to better myself any more, I just want an end. 

I’m a lost and hopeless cause. If pathetic, lonely middle aged man who lives with his long suffering parent, still under the delusion that their son is wonderful, is the best I can hope for… well fuck that. I’d rather die with the illusion that I had a life ahead of me than after making real the pathetic mess that I will inevitably become.

Back to uni

I’m back here now, alone and with no-one to talk to again. Maybe it might seem like I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. I read that people say on average 16,000 words a day (it also debunked the myth that women talk more than men) but in one week I said under 10 (yes, I kept count) and that was only to people who served me in shops. It’s a lonely place, mentally. 

I don’t know what is going to happen in the near future, the long term is too dismal to contemplate at the moment. Maybe I can survive from day to day, but there’s no happiness in my life, I look forward to nothing except an escape from it all. Sleeping is the highlight of each of my days. Eating has become a chore and it’ll get even worse now I’m back here and daren’t enter the kitchen because of all the people here. *Sigh* just thought I’d better make another post since I was in such a bad place when I wrote the last one.

It’s calm, I’m alone

I know I could make it there this time, there will be no interruptions at this time of night. I had abandoned the plan of jumping, not sure if that bridge is high enough to be certain, but it’s tempting me again. I won’t leave without saying goodbye.

What to do when you can’t talk to anyone

Before she left, I asked my psychiatrist what I should do when I feel like this. Like nothing can help me and all I want is an end to it all. I’ve got the number for the crisis team but seeing as how one of the main problems I have with my SA is a fear of making phone calls (even simple things like ordering a pizza are out of the question and when I’m forced into making one, it takes me a long time to psych myself up enough to do it and I spend hours obsessing over how foolish I must have sounded afterwards) I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t lay bare my dismal view of myself and how bad the future seems, knowing what a privileged life I have. I’m not beaten up by my parents, I have a roof over my head. What business do I have being this depressed?

I talk to some people that I know online, but I don’t want to burden them with the full extent of my suicidal mood. If I had the pills right now, I’d be taking them. There’s no way I can scare my mum by talking to her. She almost had a fit and made me come back from university the last time the subject was even mentioned.

There’s a big link between social anxiety/phobia and depression, it’s easy to become depressed when you have no contact with other humans, and it’s even easier to lose hope when it seems you have no-one to help you when times are hard. I’m not even sure I want to be helped though, I just want an escape.